Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The X List: 12 ways Rick Perry can save his presidential campaign
Sadly, sacking and pillaging the Temple in Salt Lake City is not a viable option.
Following a series of hilarious gaffes, it appears that beloved Texas governor Rick Perry's presidential campaign might already be in its death throes. Fortunately for him, America is the Land of Second and Third Chances. Here are 12 suggestions that should breathe a little life into his presidential hopes.
Idea #1: Put on a fat suit and tranny makeup and change your name to Tyler.
Idea #2: Formulate a series of domestic, economic, and foreign policies that don't change every 10 minutes, in order to make them easier to remember.
Idea #3: Use Texas' 20,000 National Guardsmen to launch a full-scale invasion of Juarez, take out those pinko commie drug cartels and freely distribute hundreds of tons of cocaine and heroin to every man, woman, and child in America.
Idea #4: Show up to the next debate with a light saber and a billowing black cloak; claim you are Luke Perry's father.
Idea #5: Start an Alamo-esque rallying cry of "REMEMBER THE... THE... THE THIRD ONE!!"
Idea #6: Fire your debate coaches.
Idea #7: Save a half-naked Michele Bachmann from a pack of atheist gorillas.
Idea #8: Strap on a scuba suit and find Osama bin Laden's waterlogged corpse; prop him up on an electric chair in Huntsville, and utter "You wanted 70 virgins ... here's 70,000 volts, melon farmer!!" while you sit at your desk in your office and some guy on your payroll throws the switch.
Idea #9: After gathering data from a quick internet poll, proclaim that if elected you will launch a full-scale invasion of Orgrimmar.
Idea #10: Simplify the message by eliminating just two things at once.
Idea #11: Tell Herman Cain to his face that The Godfather was a piece of ****.
Idea #12: Challenge Vladimir Putin to a 90-round shirtless barefisted boxing match, with the loser admitting that they're gay.