Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The X List: 11 fun facts about Thanksgiving
Fun Fact #12: Cowboys and Dolphins are natural enemies in the wild. True story.
It's that time of year again, the one day on the calendar when regular Americans stop their rigid fasting and finally give in to their ravenous, insatiable appetites. While you gleefully ignore the Surgeon General's warning to take a breath between fifth and sixth servings of turkey-coated gravyblasts, here are 11 Fun Facts to pass the time.
Fun Fact #1: At the original Thanksgiving celebration that took place in 1621, the Wampanoag Indian tribe brought the turkey, fish, cranberries, geese, duck, beef, chicken, cheese, corn, bread, peas, potatoes, venison, onions, and 90% of the guests. The pilgrims brought some used blankets and a keg of everclear.
Fun Fact #2: The primary meal at early Thanksgivings was a bald eagle stuffed inside a unicorn that was itself stuffed inside a bigfoot.
Fun Fact #3: Science shows that turkeys have souls that are four times as holy as ours, and that the raw courage present in every turkey's heart can be brought to the surface by an extra helping of gravy.
Fun Fact #4: Thanksgiving was moved one week earlier in 1939 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, as a political concession to Big Cranberry.
Fun Fact #5: Americans are forced to watch mandatory Detroit Lions football every Thanksgiving, annually reminding them that they should be thankful that they neither live in Detroit nor follow the Lions.
Fun Fact #6: Thanksgiving suffered some minor controversy in the 1970s when Charlton Heston revealed that Butterball turkeys... are... made of... people!!
Fun Fact #7: Since 1947, the president has traditionally "pardoned" one live turkey in front of a crowd of Texas death row inmates, who are then slaughtered and fed to hungry U.S. senators.
Fun Fact #8: Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving when hundreds of millions of well-fed Americans work feverishly from sun-up to sun-down to obliterate racism and improve the quality of life for all African-Americans.
Fun Fact #9: The annual Macy's Thanksgiving Parade has been enjoyed by people in their 80s since the '20s.
Fun Fact #10: Abraham Lincoln officially declared Thanksgiving a national holiday, enraging John Wilkes Booth, an avid supporter of Thanksgiving's arch-nemesis, Slavemas.
Fun Fact #11: Thanksgiving is preceded by Red Wednesday, where we revel in the steaming fresh blood of 280 million godless communist turkeys, slaughtering them as they annually emerge from Turgehenna through sulfurous cracks in the earth's crust.