Tuesday, October 25, 2011
The X List: 13 top urban Legends for the 2011 Halloween season
Did you know that JFK was killed by eating a Heath bar laced with arsenic? True story, bro.
It's Halloween season once again, that magical time of year when kids plead with untrustworthy strangers for candy that's unsafe to eat on account of all the Satanists. Here are the top 13 urban legends that your sister's boss' cousin heard from that pantless guy on the bus.
Legend #1: Halloween was actually invented by the Oscar Meyer Corporation in 1954, when their failed marketing campaign to build an all-frankfurter Hall of Weenies was co-opted by the gay porn industry, before exploding onto mainstream culture after Ronald Reagan's erotic cameo in 1982's Blacula Squad.
Legend #2: Trick-or-treaters not wearing insect repellent may get bitten by a mosquito carrying the West Trinity Virus, which is not technically a virus but rather a mosquito that injects thousands of tiny spider eggs into your bloodstream, which later hatch all at once in those little veins on your eyeballs.
Legend #3: This one time, in an abandoned insane asylum in Ohio, a ghost hunter became the ghost ... hunted.
Legend #4: If you sit on the toilet too long on Halloween Night, ghost snakes that died after being flushed into the sewer will rise up from your plumbing and bite your butt.
Legend #5: Street gangs often put razor blades in homemade taffy and hand it out as a form of gang initiation.
Legend #6: The Texas Rangers paid pitcher Chan Ho Park $64 million for three years before they discovered he was just a funhouse mummy that had fallen off the back of a garbage truck.
Legend #7: Taco Bell Spooky All-Meat Scarritos are actually just tiny imps that are rolled into tortillas and deep-fried alive.
Legend #8: Picking up homeless drifters on Halloween is considered good luck, unless you rub their head, in which case your luck is reset to neutral.
Legend #9: A man who was once told by a gypsy fortuneteller that he would die on an escalator he had built in his one-story apartment ... and died a week later when a bolt of lightning struck his solid gold hot tub, electrocuting him and the triplet supermodels he was totally about to make out with.
Legend #10: Nostradamus predicted that all-organic sugar-free tofu logs would replace traditional Halloween candy by 2012.
Legend #11: Candy corn originated in Stalinist Russia as a means to extract confessions from Soviet political prisoners.
Legend #12: On Halloween night in 1995, a heavily-inebriated Jerry Jones used a chainsaw dipped in lava to saw out his own brain on a dare.
Legend #13: Each year on Halloween, the ghost of Clyde Barrow manifests in the tiny chapel in Presbyterian Hospital's Jackson Building, walks 13 blocks to the tollway and punches Tom Hicks in his fat, ugly face.