Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Daryl Reaugh’s Big Surprise

Are they bringing back "Finnish or Gibberish?"

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we showed pre-emptive indignation and outrage over the NHL's top five prima donnas of 2015; this week, the hockey world is abuzz about whatever it is that Daryl "Dulcet Tones" Reaugh is talking about here.

Rapidly-fading quatrogenarian Nick Lidstrom, right, looking feeble and infirm.

Major Stars news? Multiple platforms? Quatrains?!?

With Dallas Stars fans droolclamboring all over themselves in anticipation (a known side-effect of the down part of the offseason), we decided to take a stab at it and hazard some educated guesses.

Potential Big-Time Dallas Stars Scoop #1: We're Finally Moving Back to the Central

As much as I would miss the crisp, salty feel of seawater hitting my face every morning, it's high time the Stars were put in a division that made some amount of geographic sense.

Not to mention that the Red Wings are a Lidstrom retirement away from earning their first lottery pick in two decades ... which they will probably use to draft the next Lidstrom.

Bastards.

Potential Big-Time Dallas Stars Scoop #2: They're Finally Getting Serious About Headshots

And I mean really serious. Starting this season, the team that just suffered the headshot will get a free, shootout-style headshot on the offending team's leading scorer as they stand helplessly still at center ice.

In related news, two seconds after they passed this Matt Cooke was traded along with ten million dollars' in cattle carcasses to Klandathu.

Some goalies, such as the Canucks' Roberto Luongo in last year's Cup Finals, have already started to experiment with the latest hot new goaltending equipment.

Potential Big-Time Dallas Stars Scoop #3: Blindfolds and Paper Bags for Goalies

This hardly-noticeable tweak should restore NHL goaltending to the level of prestige it enjoyed in the 80s.

Potential Big-Time Dallas Stars Scoop #4: Brad Richards is Back, Baby!!

Turns out Friend of the Stars Glen Sather was just "holding" him, in eternal gratitude for the gift we bestowed upon him a few years back.

For those of you who have only just started watching hockey in the last two years, Sean Avery was once a hockey player of note.

Potential Big-time Dallas Stars Scoop #5: Someone Finally Bought Us

I know, I know: It's a process. But if some dudes in Winnipeg can buy the Atlanta Somethingorothers in the time it takes to snag a pair of camouflage panties at the Wal-mart, why does the Stars sale need to take so long?

Is it Tom Hicks? It's Tom Hicks, isn't it?