The X List: 9 more disturbing threats from North Korea

by Todd Maternowski

#10: "We'll get you, my pretty pretty, and your little dog too, because all our dogs have mysteriously disappeared long ago."

Yesterday the North Korean military issued a threat to reduce South Korea's "rat-like groups" to ashes within "three to four minutes" using "peculiar means." While ad execs at Orkin and Raid began fistfighting for the rights to use that line in their future commercials, the rest of the civilized world looked on the statements with alarm. Even more alarming is that most of the rogue state's threats were pre-empted by an ad for North Korea's hottest culinary craze, Slow Rat. Here are the nine official military statements you missed.

"Your corrupt imperialist wedding DJs are no match for our continually spontaneous Saturated Happiness Lines."

#1: "An army runs on its stomach; an army of stomachs runs on Delicious Face BBQ."

#2: "For the unnamed Western country that sent Our Glorious Leader 40,000 gallons of 'rare bull's milk' and asked to videotape our generals drinking it, we will set your rich American cheeseburgers to explode once they have reached your corrupt Western heart-intestine."

#3: "Tell your industrialist telecommunications spies that our refrigerators are running like sleek oxen, our cans contain multiple happy and well-fed Prince Alberts, and our 10-pound balls are so technologically advanced that they each weight over 1 million pounds."

#4: "We challenge every American New York mafioso to send us the traditional sleeping fish, so that we may inspect it with our plump, completely-full bellies."

#5: "Our specially-designed tank treads do not need to be greased with the tears of your children, as these tanks are made from invincible People's Cardboard."

#6: "Woe betide all who lay in the Inescapable Path of our Glorious Leader's lethal Morning Wind, which can kill a hundred schools of fish with a single perfectly-directed blast."

#7: "Our strongly-built long-range rockets did not fail to launch, but merely are too powerful to be carried through the air and have thus chosen to burrow deep beneath the earth to reach their unsuspecting targets. This also provides them cover from the many American spies disguised as bees."

#8: "We will no longer be sharing our flawless recipe for Odorless Concrete with our ungrateful neighbors to the south."

#9: "Make no mistake, imperialist capitalist dogs: Our impenetrable tanks are drawn by a yak with cheetah-like speed and bone structure. Each one of these godlike yaks were personally implanted with our Great Leader's gleaming DNA, deeply and repeatedly, until they knew nothing of fear."