Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Narrowing It Doan

Doan expect us to pull any punches this week.

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we sang joyfully of Rick Nash and Shea Weber using the power of verse. This week, we're taking a step back, striking a match off a nearby hobo's pert backside and coolly lighting our cigarette as we watch the 2012 Shane Doan Sweepstakes. As Stars fans, we feel fortunate that we already have our own, better, cheaper, slightly beat-up version of Doan in Brenden Morrow: Still, that doesn't mean we can't point and laugh at the jive group of suckas that will inevitably sign the 90 year-old declining "power" forward to a ridiculous Sedin-level contract.

"$6.9 million?? Excellent!!"

Such is the way of life for NHL GMs: As we saw when 8 of the 10 worst teams made an insane run on puck-moving defensemen at the draft, leaving Forsberg, Grigorenko and Faksa still on the board (thanks, Burke!), poorly-managed teams lock into a single idea every year ("You can win the Cup with Michael Leighton-level journeyman goaltending" "Small, wispy pass-first centers are worth the same as Crosby" "You need an aging power forward/cheap shot artist to win in this league") and a certain class of player benefits from it tremendously. This year it's young, fast d-men with the ability to score 40-45 points a season and control the powerplay. Last year it was aging power forwards ... you know, 'cause of Boston or something.

Next season? Successful minor league coaches under the age of 40.

It can be a tough choice to decide which pretender/contender is best for your career, your chance at a Cup and your family. It doesn't always come down to Most Dollars: there are literally two or even three other factors involved. With that in mind, we've created a handy guide for Shane Doan to help him in this, his summer of great despair.

Destination A: Philadelphia Flyers

2011-12 Record: 47-26-9, 3rd place in the Atlantic

Cup Contender?: They certainly, annually think so

Team Strengths: A strong, fast and powerful forward group

Team Weaknesses: Defense, goaltending, psychotic need to overspend on players any way they can.

# of Doans in City: 64

Better Than Phoenix?: Yes.

Fansanity Level: 7.0 when winning, 9.9 when losing

Likely Outcome: A 4-year $7 million deal that sees Doan put up 60 points in his first season and 21 in his last before retiring due to battery-related concussions.

Doan's iffy reputation has been surprisingly bullet-proof.

Destination B: Vancouver Canucks

2011-12 Record: 51-22-9, 1st in the single biggest joke of a division in NHL history

Cup Contender?: Absolutely not

Team Strengths: Goaltending, scoring from their top line

Team Weaknesses: Physicality, team cohesiveness, respect from literally anyone in the league.

# of Doans in City: 23

Better Than Phoenix?: Yes.

Fansanity Level: 6.8 inside the arena, 9.6 outside

Likely Outcome: A two-year deal worth $6.1 million that sees Doan put up 45 points from the second line before doing his annual disappearing act in the first round of the playoffs.

Destination C: New York Rangers

2011-12 Record: 51-24-7, 1st place in the Eastern Conference

Cup Contender?: Not anymore

Team Strengths: Big name forwards, actually-good defense and stellar netminding

Team Weaknesses: Big name forwards, no checking line or backup netminding

# of Doans in City: 15

Better Than Phoenix?: Yes.

Fansanity Level: 2.0 when spending to the cap and not making the playoffs, 4.5 when they get in a little early practice booing Rick Nash.

Likely Outcome: A 4-year deal worth $6.5 million that sees Doan's offense dry up under Tortorella and without Whitney, scoring just one goal during the Rangers' epic four-game sweep in the first round.

"Whoa."

Destination D: Montreal Canadiens

2011-12 Record: 31-35-16, dead last in the Eastern Conference

Cup Contender?: Sure, as soon as the NHL goes back to six teams

Team Strengths: Goaltending, allegedly

Team Weaknesses: Hockey

# of Doans in City: 42

Better Than Phoenix?: No.

Fansanity Level: Possibly a 6.5, depending on what they're saying in their crazy pepper language

Likely Outcome: None. There is no chance of this happening. None whatsoever.

Destination Z: Phoenix Coyotes

2011-12 Record: 42-27-13

Cup Contender?: Only if by "Stanley Cup," you mean "Dispersal Draft"

Team Strengths: Acquiring loser points, team defense and goaltending for the first 58 minutes

Team Weaknesses: Playoff wins, team defense and goaltending for the final two minutes

# of Doans in City: 39, for now

Better Than Phoenix?: No question.

Fansanity Level: 0.1, or 6.6 if you want to be dicks to a Canadiens fan

Likely Outcome: A fourteen-year deal worth $110 million that sees Phoenix pony up the cash to make a statement to the rest of the league that boring-a$$ teams in tiny markets can swing with the big boys too when it comes to severely overpaying for homegrown free agents.

That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we sit down with Shea Weber and ask him how many Cups he expects to win over the next 14 seasons. His barely-contained boiling rage may surprise you.