Burger review: Dallas Chop House

If you enjoy the diviest of dive burgers, this is not the place for you.

Photo by Justin Hutchison

The Chop House BBQ Burger at Dallas Chop House

DOWNTOWN DALLAS — When walking into Dallas Chop House in downtown Dallas for lunch, do not wear ripped jeans, a t-shirt, and a backwards hat. You’ll probably be embarrassed. The Chop House is a place for suits, for power lunches, for hundred-year-old Dallas attorneys; a place where “the elite meet to eat.” The tables are covered in white tablecloths, the waiters have ties on, there’s smooth jazz playing. We here at Burger Breakdown do not frequent places like this. It’s not a certainty that our gritty looking crew would even be allowed in to this place for some nighttime eatin’. It’s just that it’s a bit overwhelming if all you want is a burger.

To reiterate, if you enjoy the diviest of dive burgers, this is not the place for you. Although the burger ordered this time was only $10, it still seemed fancier than the ones ordered from some of the vomit-stained beer chuggeries we usually frequent (and typically enjoy). So to try something a bit different, here is a comparison between The Chop House BBQ Burger and some examples of the less-than-great dive burgers we have consumed.

Chop House BBQ Burger: Delivered by a polite, clean-cut waiter wearing a tie and pressed pants.

Less-Than-Great Dive Burger: Delivered by an individual wearing a stained irrelevant band t-shirt, who, instead of speaking when he delivers your food, just sort of grunts and throws it on your table.

Chop House BBQ Burger: Delivered on a clean white plate.

Less-Than-Great Dive Burger: Delivered in a red basket with a piece of butcher paper. Other times, just the butcher paper.

Chop House BBQ Burger:Comes with expertly cut and seasoned fries in a sterling silver cup. Fancy flavored ketchup also included.

Less-Than-Great Dive Burger: Comes with a handful of fries that most likely came out of an Ore-Ida bag. Seasoned with salt and whatever fell out the deep-fryer handler’s beard. Ketchup bottle has been on the table since the Reagan administration.

Chop House BBQ Burger: Vegetables (green leaf lettuce and tomatoes) look to have been delivered to the restaurant that day. Very crisp.

Less-Than-Great Dive Burger: Vegetables came from the discount bin of the local Kroger. Lettuce is more brown than green. Tomatoes are so soggy they were possibly delivered in 2004 from the Philippines.

Chop House BBQ Burger:Served on a freshly baked Brioche bun.

Less-Than-Great Dive Burger: The bun, also picked up on the Kroger run, has soaked up any of the juices from the patty. It is thus a pinkish/brown color and tastes like shoe.

Chop House BBQ Burger: Thick beef patty. Packed well and grilled to order. Barely pink on the inside, with a touch of sweetness accompanying each bite.

Less-Than-Great Dive Burger: Razor-thin patty, cooked hours before our order. Is completely dry. No pink at all because it’s too thin to actually see a color. May also be horse meat.

Chop House BBQ Burger: Finished with a tangy house made BBQ sauce. Makes every bite fantastic.

Less-Than-Great Dive Burger: Enjoy your store-brand table ketchup.

It’s fancy … too fancy. But they still make a mean burger.

Postscript: We were just informed that we were never supposed to go here. We were supposed to go to ChopHouse Burger, which is apparently farther down Main Street. We are idiots. We will attempt to visit the correct ChopHouse soon. But still, the burger at Dallas Chop House is really, really good.