The X List: 14 greatest moments of the 2012 London Olympics

by Todd Maternowski

Not mentioned: The Queen being forced to admit that the only reason her second-rate backwater of a country doesn't speak German is because of the ol' U.S. of A.

With the 2012 London Summer Olympics coming to a close, it's time to take a deep breath and look back at some of the most electrifying moments in human sporting history. Here are 14 Olympic highlights we won't soon forget.

The U.S. took home gold in the 10m Men's Olympic Fool-Pitying for the seventh straight Games.

#1: Kevin Bacon stuns the stuck-up, stuffy dressage crowd when he teaches his horse the Lambada ... The Forbidden Dance.

#2: The vaunted Chinese men's basketball team is defeated by a single teen wolf from Team France, who is later disqualified for performance-enhancing lycanthropy.

#3: Michael Phelps relinquishes his 18 gold medals, stating that the only prize he wants "is that goddamn Cthulhu's head on a pike" before stripping to his skivvies and diving into the North Sea holding a solid-gold lobster cracker in his teeth.

#4: After Mexico and Bulgaria tie in the men's weightlifting competition, officials agree to just let them slug it out.

#5: Usain Bolt becomes the fastest human ever in the 3000m Human Catapult.

#6: McKayla Maroney takes the gold in the One Meter Face Plant when zany madcap Olympic organizers replace her vault with a hologram.

#7: American Competitive Eating Champion Joey Chestnut seizes the gold and shocks the world by managing to eat almost an entire plate of local English cuisine.

#8: Due to worries about low ratings in American television markets, NBC makes some slight changes to the equestrian events, replacing all the horses with ostriches and requiring riders to wear nothing but American-flag bikinis that have been set on fire.

"The judges have deducted one point for 'Is that all you got, f***face?'"

#9: The plucky underdog U.S. men's basketball team overcomes impossible odds to earn Olympic gold on August 12, the very anniversary of King George IV's birthday, erstwhile ruler of all those swarthy British gits in that rat-heap they call a capital city. U!S!A! U!S!A!

#10: Controversy erupts after the English Archery team slaughters the French heavy cavalry during the silver medal match.

#11: Olympic officials smartly quash criticism of the exploitative uniforms for the teenage girls in women's gymnastics by replacing the one-piece leotards with English schoolgirl outfits.

#12: South Korean Shin A-Lam loses the bronze medal match in fencing after judges ruled her bon mots were not adequately pithy.

#13: The gold medal match for Pop and Lock is marred by accusations of the North Korean team doping their blood with ground-up unicorn vertebrae.

#14: The world of competitive international badminton is rocked to its core when four teams are accused of "not being able to give less of a f*ck about this sack of sh*t sport."