Thursday, August 16, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Breaking Down the NHLPA’s Offer
Coming up this offseason: two rich white Canadians enter, one rich white Canadian leaves.
Good morning hockey fans! Last week we pumped sunshine and rainbows out of our tuckus while re-writing history. This week, rather than focus on all of the Dallas Stars' huge multi-million dollar signings, we're going to roll up our proverbial sleeves, furrow our collective brows and dive face-first into everybody's favorite subject, The Looming NHL Labor War.
Two days ago the Player's Union proposed a counter-offer to the owners' hilarious proposal, and to the shock and awe of everyone, it... kinda made sense. The players accepted some $400-500 million less over the next three years, offered to help struggling small-market teams, etc. More than half the NHL owners would benefit from just heading to the roof access of their taxpayer-funded stadiums and shouting "YES!! YES!! OH, GOD, YES!!"
Needless to say, the owners hated it, because if it's 2012 and you're old and white and fat and extremely rich, it's your patriotic duty to screw over the very people that make your wealth possible. Otherwise, marxobamacarechemtrailsshutupyourstupidshutupface. Or something.
Fortunately, we at Pegasus News are not just highly-trained journalists and much-sought-after lovers: we're also shameless criminals with no sense of morality. We were able to get a copy of the players' proposal by beating up an elderly owner and stealing it, before stuffing gay amoeba porn into his pockets and running away cackling maniacally.
Surprisingly, there were a few clauses hidden in the fine print that set off alarms in our minds. And in the men's restroom where we read it. Here are a few of the players' proposals that owners might not agree to anytime soon.
Proposal #1: If a player and Gary Bettman find themselves standing side-by-side in a public place, said player will be allowed to grab Bettman in a headlock and give him a noogie.
Proposal #2: Any team that signs any player to a contract worth more than $100 million will seriously need to STFU in all future labor negotiations.
Proposal #3: All NHL player contracts will be drawn up by Paul Holmgren.
Proposal #4: Players will accept a reduction to 47% of hockey revenue, provided that they now receive 100% of all jersey, hockey card and bobblehead revenue that uses their name or likeness. Owners can recoup 100% of all jersey sales that have the owner's name sewn on the back.
Proposal #5: Players will now be competitively compensated for all mandatory team-building sex slave sessions with the owner's wife.
Proposal #6: Any owner that wishes to complain about player salaries in public will be required to do so wearing a sombrero and holding a cup labeled "PENCILS FOR SALE."
Proposal #7: Gary Bettman's private collection of Napoleon costumes will be dyed pink.
Proposal #8: All of the worst UFAs in the league will have their names put in a yearly lottery, with three of the lucky ones drawn by the Toronto Maple Leafs and offered a multi-year contract.
Proposal #9: Contract lengths, schmontract lengths.
Proposal #10: All future owner-player CBA disputes will be settled on the ice using fists.