Top Chef: Seattle is a battle between awful and abysmal

by Sarah Blaskovich

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Judges withdrew the prize of $10,000 to the winning team because the dishes were so bad.

Forget about excelling on Top Chef: Seattle. Episode 5 was simply about not being the worst. In an elimination challenge that found Dallas chefs and teammates Joshua Valentine and John Tesar in the bottom six, judge Tom Colicchio had trouble picking which dish was truly the most terrible. “They’re all so bad,” he said.

How Valentine and Tesar became teammates is its own adventure in reality TV. The two feuded last week after Valentine called Tesar a “prick,” and this week, they ended up on the same team after getting to “choose” their partner in the quickfire challenge. Cue Valentine: “I would have preferred to be on anybody’s team besides John’s,” but they were the only two left without a buddy. Right.

Danyele McPherson, from Dallas restaurant The Grape, paired with Lizzie Binder, and the chef-testants were tasked with making breakfast on a stick for the vendors at Pike Place Market in Seattle.

Despite Valentine and Tesar’s dislike for one another, they made food that put them in the top two. Their chilaquiles on a stick – made with tortilla, scrambled quail egg, peppers, and avocado-heirloom tomato relish, similar to a breakfast taco – didn’t win them immunity, but it did open up the opportunity that maybe they could become buds.

McPherson and Binder, quietly competing without much drama, ended up in the bottom two for their summer berries with crispy pancetta on a stick, which “didn’t really make a meal,” said guest judge Daisley Gordon.

Then the judges heated things up: Teams were told to stay in the same grouping for the elimination challenge, seemingly to see what Valentine and Tesar might do if given another few hours to bicker. Each team randomly drew a knife with an ingredient on it made by an artisan in Seattle, and they had to make a dish highlighting that ingredient – things like truffle popcorn, assigned to Valentine and Tesar; and coconut curry chocolate, assigned to McPherson and Binder.

Judges reported that each dish was awful. Valentine and Tesar’s pan seared pork tenderloin, popcorn grits, and popcorn white truffle sauce contained grits that “suck[ed],” said judge Hugh Acheson. McPherson and Binder’s coconut curry chocolate mousse tart with orange tea syrup was “assembled poorly,” said Colicchio. And it wasn’t just the Dallas chefs: Dishes from the other contestants were also hated wholeheartedly, especially Chris “CJ” Jacobsen and Tyler Wiard’s burger and a pickle, which was chosen as the worst of the worst, and the two were sent home.

Our two cents: Judges couldn’t send home Valentine and Tesar. While their food wasn't Tesar's best – he described it as “the worst plate of food I’ve put out in 30 years” – the two offered more entertainment than most of the other teams. In fact, Tesar has received so much screen time that we’d consider him the main character of Top Chef: Seattle. For now, at least.

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