Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Future Star: Jamieson Oleksiak

In other hockey-related news ... well, nothing, really.

Good morning, hockey fans! Last we we may have jumped the gun on the whole "hockey by Christmas" thing. Don't fret! -- this week, we're back to boycotting the ockoutlay and we couldn't be more thrilled!

*(sobs quietly in a dark corner)*

So rather than focus on any one of the hundreds of Stars-related news items that have stopped the presses this week, we're going to look to The Future.

The Stars' game program covers are about to get a lot more interesting.

Specifically, at Future Dallas Star Jamieson Oleksiak.

As we did with Future Dallas Star Brett Ritchie, we're going to give you a first-hand glimpse into the inner workings of this gentle behemoth.

Name: Jamieson Oleksiak

Born In: Toronto, Canada

Must Soon Wash Off The Stink Of: Toronto, Canada

Height: 6-foot-7

Weight: 254

He Must...?: Break you.

Acceptable Nicknames: Jamie, The Big J.O., Lurch, Death From Above, Duke Nukem, The Minotaur, The Gold Dragon, Mt. Ohsh#tziak

Unacceptable Nicknames: Princess Peach

Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: Three years from now when he raises the Cup high above his head in triumph, roars at the top of his lungs and brings it crashing down like the chalice-shaped hammer of an angry god, squashing Gary Bettman like a junebug.

Pictured: artist's rendition of Oleksiak taking the ice for his first NHL shift

Nicest Comparison: Zdeno Chara

Meanest Comparison: Hal Gill

Strengths: Tremendous size, shocking agility and puck handling skills, tape-to-tape passing, immunity to human weapons.

Weaknesses: Has to duck every time he crosses center ice so as not to hit his head on the Jumbotron.

Better Than Sheldon Souray in 2013?: Yes

Who Wants Him: Women, Ents, Titans

Who Wants to Be Him: Every Stars fan, just as Dustin Brown comes loping across the blue line with his head down and that s**t-eating grin across his fat face.

Preferred DnD Character: Blackguard

Least Similar Game of Thrones Character : Lysa Arryn

Looks Eerily Similar To: Ivan Drago

Looks Eerily Nothing Like: Lars Ulrich

Career Goals: To be able to just once take a full wind-up on a slap shot without causing a tsunami in Sri Lanka.

Worst Fear: Nanopucks

Thing He Does Better Than You: Hockey

If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: Chimay Grande Reserve

Alternate Universe Career: Goliath

That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we delve deep under NHL HQ to find the secured vault where the league has hidden 22 bound-and-gagged owners. Their relative state of undress may surprise you.