Thursday, December 13, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Future Star: Jamieson Oleksiak
In other hockey-related news ... well, nothing, really.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last we we may have jumped the gun on the whole "hockey by Christmas" thing. Don't fret! -- this week, we're back to boycotting the ockoutlay and we couldn't be more thrilled!
*(sobs quietly in a dark corner)*
So rather than focus on any one of the hundreds of Stars-related news items that have stopped the presses this week, we're going to look to The Future.
Specifically, at Future Dallas Star Jamieson Oleksiak.
As we did with Future Dallas Star Brett Ritchie, we're going to give you a first-hand glimpse into the inner workings of this gentle behemoth.
Name: Jamieson Oleksiak
Born In: Toronto, Canada
Must Soon Wash Off The Stink Of: Toronto, Canada
He Must...?: Break you.
Acceptable Nicknames: Jamie, The Big J.O., Lurch, Death From Above, Duke Nukem, The Minotaur, The Gold Dragon, Mt. Ohsh#tziak
Unacceptable Nicknames: Princess Peach
Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: Three years from now when he raises the Cup high above his head in triumph, roars at the top of his lungs and brings it crashing down like the chalice-shaped hammer of an angry god, squashing Gary Bettman like a junebug.
Nicest Comparison: Zdeno Chara
Meanest Comparison: Hal Gill
Strengths: Tremendous size, shocking agility and puck handling skills, tape-to-tape passing, immunity to human weapons.
Weaknesses: Has to duck every time he crosses center ice so as not to hit his head on the Jumbotron.
Better Than Sheldon Souray in 2013?: Yes
Who Wants Him: Women, Ents, Titans
Who Wants to Be Him: Every Stars fan, just as Dustin Brown comes loping across the blue line with his head down and that s**t-eating grin across his fat face.
Preferred DnD Character: Blackguard
Least Similar Game of Thrones Character : Lysa Arryn
Looks Eerily Similar To: Ivan Drago
Looks Eerily Nothing Like: Lars Ulrich
Career Goals: To be able to just once take a full wind-up on a slap shot without causing a tsunami in Sri Lanka.
Worst Fear: Nanopucks
Thing He Does Better Than You: Hockey
If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: Chimay Grande Reserve
Alternate Universe Career: Goliath
That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we delve deep under NHL HQ to find the secured vault where the league has hidden 22 bound-and-gagged owners. Their relative state of undress may surprise you.
See more stories in:
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Fare Thee Well, GM Joe, We Hardly Knew Ye
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Grading the 2013 Dallas Stars
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Great Dallas Stars Sell-Off of 2013
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Top 5 Reasons the Dallas Stars Will/Won't Make the Playoffs
- Thursday Morning Cupcheck - An Open Letter to the Edmonton Oilers