Restaurant review: Play pretend mixologist at Cook Hall inside the W Hotel

by Ashli Michelle of Almost Veggie

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Nix the over-priced, underwhelming food.

DALLAS — Cook Hall’s check has none other than a pig paper clip attached to it. While real pigs cause gagging, this pig paper clip became a brand new need. Stealing is bad. Stealing a pig paper clip is pitiful. My server noticed this disturbing pig paper clip adoration and said, “Would you like to take two pig paper clips with you today?” Score!

Try spending 10 hours downstairs at the W Hotel while someone is upstairs having the most important meeting of their 18 year old life. This kind of time brings on a new level of nothing to do. Drinking at 9 a.m. was not an option because no one likes to ooze a loser vibe. Besides, I already placed a responsible 5 o’clock party-start on my calendar that day. After taking every possible picture of the W Hotel, a boredom crisis was in full effect.

Since I couldn’t leave and Cook Hall is the W Hotel’s main restaurant, there was really nowhere else to go. Breakfast runs at about $10, with sides between $4 and $7. Meat eaters have an option of ordering sides such as smoked ham, Applewood smoked bacon, and chicken or pork sausage. Cook Hall offers seasonal fruit, creamy parmesan grits, and mixed berries.

Some kind of inner feeling relayed a message to my brain that the creamy parmesan grits was a side order must that day. Not so much. Grits should never make anyone depressed. People eating the barely creamy parmesan grits at Cook Hall will probably slip into a grit depression.

These grits were under cooked with painful chunks of grits all over the place. To problem solve, I placed the grits on top of wheat toast in hopes of forcing these grits to somehow becomes worthy of swallowing. Cook Hall’s grits were sadly inedible that day.

$10 for two fried eggs pinches: I’m positive it’s not outrageous when eating at a hotel restaurant, but come on. I ate these two fried eggs in 8 seconds. While not the end of the world, $10 gone in 8 seconds is annoying. It’s not Cook Hall’s fault that two fried eggs seem smaller when cooked together. Even slow eaters take less than 16 seconds to finish.

Since fruit cups of all kinds have been shady lately, I ordered a fresh bowl of mixed berries. These mixed berries were forgotten. It’s not like I was in a hurry. The time frame for these berries to arrive was ten hours. I didn’t care if the mystery of the mixed berries was ever solved. I’m free. No rush around here. The server finally realized and brought these perfectly fresh mixed berries at the end of the meal. It felt like an unexpected dessert.

The internet maintains Cook Hall has a basket for those wanting to make their own drinks. For a price, ingredients sit on your table and you really get to make drinks. The internet does not lie. Being at a place this long, you would think I’d know about this drink mixing basket-kit-thing for fakers to fake being drink makers. I had to Google to find out, which is lame.

People get to pretend to be a real live mixologist. I’m not sure I’m interested in this option. I would have to get a tattoo and some new clothes. I would have to make friends with people from Anvil in Houston. No one would find my mixology worthy of forming a mixologist friendship, which would leave me feeling inadequate. The entire mixologist process would send all residing self worth plummeting into the depths of pathetic.

A mixologist does not just make a drink. They have special hair, clothes, and probably cool-looking black boots found only at secret underground mixologist stores. The girls have hose that might have a hole in just the right spot. These same girls have cool makeup and neat looking bangs that cannot be copied no matter how hard a person tries. Just because you get a liquor kit at Cook Hall does not cause mixologist morphing to occur, so calm down.

Fact: Mixologists laugh at anyone ordering Tito’s & soda. People with mixologist talent do not have time to make simple drinks. I’m pretty sure the drink must have 14 parts to the process. Maybe it has to soak or sit in a window somewhere. I don’t know. Only cool people know. It’s like art, but with a shaker rather than a paint brush. Live on the edge a little and give it a shot. Cook Hall is waiting.

IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: None of the food received while waiting 10 hours at the W Hotel was free. I had to make sure my husband put money in my life money account or security would have been called. If I liked lumpy grits, I would have said I like lumpy grits. My opinion is mine; you can't have it.

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