Tuesday, December 18, 2012
The X List: Todd’s top 10 movies of 2012
2013 will be hard-pressed to top this, what with the Armageddon and all.
#10: Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - This gripping documentary (and it's sequel, Andrew Johnson: Vampire Molester) shoves a sword cane where the sun don't shine when it reveals life's central truth: All vampires are totally racist. The film pulls down the veil on our nation's most wealthy and indestructible whites, and their feral hatred for log cabins, stovepipe hats, and pennies.
#9: Red Dawn - The original Red Dawn attained a cult following by portraying a Dirty Dancer leading a group of clumsy Midwestern kids against the swarthy, hip-swiveling latin charms of the invading Cuban army — and in so doing truly caught the spirit of the Arthur Murray versus Fred Astaire cold war that dominated our national psyche in the 1980s. In this timely remake, the filmmakers ask the bold question: Who is hungrier, a Wolverine or a North Korean? The correct answer may surprise you.
#8: Dark Shadows - Don't you hate movies that give the primary love interest actual screen time? Then this story about a family struggling to save their cannery business is for you.
#7: Mirror Mirror - This grainy, gritty independent film brutally depicts every red-blooded American male's #1 ultimate sexual fantasy: being Julia Roberts' dressing-room mirror. As it turns out, though, she hardly ever has intercourse with her mirror at all. Caveat emptor.
#6: That's My Boy - Alcoholic pedophiliacs have never been portrayed as American heroes. Until now. A bold, forward-thinking film asks whether the real victims of terrible comedy are everyone.
#5: A Thousand Words - You don't need a thousand words to describe this timeless family comedy when only one will do: genius!
#4: Fred 3: Camp Fred - Listen up, Peter Jackson and George Lucas: This is how you complete the most beloved cinematic trilogy of all time.
#3: The Three Stooges - For too long, the Greatest Generation has had a free ride, enjoying things our children will never understand, like union jobs, social security, and shooting Nazis. The Three Stooges, however, has the sheer balls to stand up to our nation's elderly and say, "We're going to take your most treasured childhood memories, and we're going to have them join the cast of Jersey Shore. Consider yourself eye-poked." 2012's boldest film.
#2: Twilight 5 - Fellas, you're going to want to leave the girlfriends and wives at home for this big-budget special-effects mega-action romp! While the ladies are busy watching The View and crying into our sandwiches or whatever, we'll be high-fivin' each other like a pack of CGI-enhanced mofos as we cheer on an epic clash of vampire armies, throat-bitin' werewolves, and main characters getting beheaded on-screen! AWWW HELLZ YEAH B**CH!! On second thought, go ahead and bring a girl if you feel like it: These Twilight screenings are pretty much straight-up sausagefests.
#1: Battleship - There is no greater threat to our nation than illegal aliens. While the fatcats at Big Strawberry may claim aliens serve a definite purpose and are essential to our society, then why are they launching spiky ball-bombs at our country's flagships? Why are they using their advanced illegal alien know-how to put up a force field that's immune to our most-advanced red peg technology? And are these illegal aliens committing the unspeakable crime of moving all five of their ships into waters already marked by white 'miss' pegs?!? Fortunately, all these questions are answered in the sequels, Battleship 2: Show Me Your Board So I Know You're Not Cheating and Battleship 3: Putting All Your Ships In One Line Was Your First Mistake, A**hole.