Thursday, December 20, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Your Guide to Post-Apocalyptic Hockey
A team of Mayan priests is working round-the-clock to etch this internet article in stone for your post-Armageddon enjoyment.
Fortunately for us, neither the inevitable apocalypse nor the demise of professional hockey was all that much of a surprise to our government, who put together this handy guide to understanding hockey after the end of the world. Using the Freedom of Information Act and a solid left hook to the groin (old women have 'nads, right? We'll admit, with all this information freedoming we've been doing, we haven't had much time for the ladies), we were able to get our hands on this official, blood-stained document. Enjoy!
A DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO POST-APOCALYPTIC HOCKEY U.S. GOVERNMENT CONTINGENCY DOCUMENT NZ-593872V
INTRODUCTION: If you are reading this, it means that you are either humanity's last small spark of hope in a cruel and violent universe, or that you found this manilla envelope amongst the wreckage of this military installation and figured delicious treats were inside. Either way, the 12-21-12 Apocalypse has finally happened, all the sarcastic wiseguys have all been brutally killed, and slight changes are afoot in the game of professional hockey. This guide hopes to assist you in understanding these new and exciting changes to your sport.
#1: THE SBA: By now you should already realize the single biggest difference from pre-Armageddon hockey to now: the signing of the SBA, or Soul Bargaining Agreement. As of 12-22-12, in an effort to assist and lead the few straggling survivors, Ba'al, Moloch and Mammon signed an open-ended agreement that stated, for the mere price of your soul (and maybe a first-born child or two, they're not picky), you would not only be allowed to continue to live, but you also had the contractual right to spend all disposable income on hockey. When quarts of your own blood replaced the U.S. Dollar as the currency of the realm, NHL revenues skyrocketed for all 30 of the team owners, each of whom had inked previous contractual agreements with Mammon years earlier.
#2: SCORING: Hockey as you remember it has not changed all that much, as player-slaves must still "bat" the "puck" into the other team's "panty orifice." Hockey sticks are still just sharpened splinters from the still-smoking remains of a rural church, and backwards-between-the-leg granny shots still count as three goals. The only major difference is the fact that there is only one goalie, He Is Legion, and He still wants nothing to do with the Toronto Maple Leafs.
#3: FIGHTING: Fighting is not only encouraged, but mandatory. Fights now occur anytime a fan, coach or owner throws a fresh chunk of bloody meat onto the ice, causing whatever players are nearby to club each other to death for a scrap of food. Fans in nearby seating sections must also participate or be electrocuted.
#4: THE JUMBOTRON: In addition to keeping score, the Jumbotron will now give fans visual warning of any approaching atomic monsters, as well as repeated reminders after goals and fights for fans to stay as quiet and still as possible, so as not to attract said atomic monsters.
#5: FREE AGENCY: In retrospect, fans should have known all along that the only reason there was a lockout was to create an exciting free-for-all with free agents. Fortunately, post-apocalyptic hockey takes this idea one step further and makes all players free agents before every game. That means Crosby and Malkin are available for your team!! Or rather, they would be, had they not perished at the hands of a French Canadian blood cult in the early days of the Ice Terror.
#6: FAN APPRECIATION NIGHT: Bobblehead Night is still the most popular team giveaway, as both fans in attendance will receive a free emaciated, malnourished player held together with crystal meth, duct tape and horrors that can never been unseen.
#7: ACTIVITIES FOR THE KIDS: Y-you brought kids to a post-apocalyptic hockey game? You sick f**k.
That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we use a spool of exposed copper wiring to power up our laptop in a lightning storm, after power stations across the globe are demolished by meteors the size of Hal Gill.