Tuesday, December 25, 2012
The X List: 10 ways we can win the War on Christmas
Federal standards of peace and forgiveness will be brutally enforced this Christmas season.
Every time a child smiles while opening a present on Christmas morning, we are reminded of the fact that Bolshevik agents on U.S. soil have declared a War on Christmas. Mostly they want to take the "Christ" and the "Mass" out of our sacred national holiday, leaving nothing but a blank nothingness where once there was joy: just like their cold, bloddless Siberian hearts. Fortunately, not all is lost. Here are 10 ways our Kringle Kommandos can win the War on Christmas.
#1: RELEASE THE KRAMPUS!!
#2: Drop 1 million gallons of infected were-reindeer blood into Manhattan's water supply.
#3: Show up at ironic hipster Boxing Day parties and just start biting and throwing elbows.
#4: Have roving gangs of machete-wielding elves weed out substandard mall Santas.
#5: Tell God to do it.
#6: Pass the Get In the Spirit Amendment, which automatically withdraws $700 from everyone's bank account and redistributes it to our nation's long-suffering major retailers.
#7: Beseige the heavily-fortified City of Athiests with our tinsel tanks and 88mm anti-snark guns, launching gift-wrapped plague corpses over the walls with our massive CheerForce catapults.
#8: Rally the Christian heads of Europe to a Holy Crusade against the Jesus-hating infidels of the men's casual department at Dillard's.
#9: Hack into the internet and replace all the porn with jpgs of Mrs. Claus sitting in her comfy chair reading the Bible next to a warm fire.
#10: Send a SEAL team to infiltrate the North Pole and capture Santa -- dead or alive -- then parade him/his gutshot corpse through every city in America to force our nation's children to believe in him.