The X List: 10 ways we can win the War on Christmas

Federal standards of peace and forgiveness will be brutally enforced this Christmas season.

Every time a child smiles while opening a present on Christmas morning, we are reminded of the fact that Bolshevik agents on U.S. soil have declared a War on Christmas. Mostly they want to take the "Christ" and the "Mass" out of our sacred national holiday, leaving nothing but a blank nothingness where once there was joy: just like their cold, bloddless Siberian hearts. Fortunately, not all is lost. Here are 10 ways our Kringle Kommandos can win the War on Christmas.

Santa's new sleigh will come equipped with eight air-to-unbeliever Merrymaker missiles.

#1: RELEASE THE KRAMPUS!!

#2: Drop 1 million gallons of infected were-reindeer blood into Manhattan's water supply.

#3: Show up at ironic hipster Boxing Day parties and just start biting and throwing elbows.

#4: Have roving gangs of machete-wielding elves weed out substandard mall Santas.

#5: Tell God to do it.

#6: Pass the Get In the Spirit Amendment, which automatically withdraws $700 from everyone's bank account and redistributes it to our nation's long-suffering major retailers.

#7: Beseige the heavily-fortified City of Athiests with our tinsel tanks and 88mm anti-snark guns, launching gift-wrapped plague corpses over the walls with our massive CheerForce catapults.

#8: Rally the Christian heads of Europe to a Holy Crusade against the Jesus-hating infidels of the men's casual department at Dillard's.

#9: Hack into the internet and replace all the porn with jpgs of Mrs. Claus sitting in her comfy chair reading the Bible next to a warm fire.

#10: Send a SEAL team to infiltrate the North Pole and capture Santa -- dead or alive -- then parade him/his gutshot corpse through every city in America to force our nation's children to believe in him.