Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The X List: 10 reasons why the Greenville St. Patrick’s Day Parade will be canceled
Bono, just feel free to step in and save this at any time, man.
Time to pour a mouthful of cerveza verde on the ground and kiss your Blarney Stone goodbye, because it appears the centuries-old Dallas tradition of the Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade has been all but canceled. While organizers are quick to lay blame on things like a bankrupt city government staffed entirely by party-poopers, the real reasons are far more complex. Here are the 10 reasons why you'll be wearing shamrock-shaped glasses and a cloverleaf thong in the crushing loneliness of your own apartment this March.
#1: Alec Guinness, the patron saint of St. Patrick's Day, has just been slain by Lord Vader.
#2: A key parade organizer is trapped underneath a mountain by fairies, who will only release him when he can defeat their champion fiddler using a solid-gold Stradavarius.
#3: The city of Dallas is giving unfair preference to the Dallas Morning News' parade, which will see the entire length of 635 blocked off and filled with delicious whiskey, slave boats.
#4: Anti-Banshee security, such as magic slingshots and immortality potions, have never been more expensive.
#5: Green makes your ankles look fat.
#6: Dallas' competing Harry Hines St. Valentine's Parade was siphoning off most of the city's holiday budget.
#7: A particularly wily leprechaun tricked the city council into making a fourth wish, thereby nullifying their first three wishes (a Cowboys ten-peat, funds for the Greenville parade, a pet dragon for each councilmember).
#8: In a desperate bid for more Twitter followers, the Girl Scouts float was going to give the middle finger to all 100,000 paradegoers.
#9: The city council wanted to implement a more family-friendly event, with nonalcoholic holy wine instead of beer, green-colored Bibles, and a live TV feed showing bound-and-gagged leprechauns burning in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity.
#10: The city's idea of having only people with actual Irish ancestry pay for the parade somehow didn't result in the tens of millions of dollars they expected.