Movie review: The Vow

Couples going to the movies this Valentine’s Day deserve better.

The Vow touts itself as “inspired by real events,” yet there’s not a moment in it that feels the least bit authentic.

The story goes like this: Paige and Leo (Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum) get in a car wreck. She’s got brain damage and doesn’t remember Leo at all. But he vows to make her fall in love with him all over again. There’s potential for a great romance here (in fact, there’s already a great film also about a wife who doesn’t remember her husband. It’s called Away from Her. I urge you to watch it on Netflix), but it’s hindered at every turn, starting with the acting.

Played as someone who’s lost not only her memory but any remaining personality, Rachel McAdams often stares blankly ahead. Paige is unsure of everything, but that shouldn’t mean she should be dull.

Tatum fares better, but not by much. After seeing his hosting job on Saturday Night Live, I think Tatum works incredibly hard at every role, but the fact remains he just doesn’t have the acting chops to pull off any sort of complex role. Even if he did, the script only allows him to stand there (sometimes in the rain — what dedication!) in his extra-small V-neck, shouting “I’m trying!” We know.

But most of the blame for The Vow’s failures lies in the script. The film takes place in some sort of fantasy land where this couple was not only deeply in love before the accident, but also had a complete lack of flaws. (I had a similar problem with Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.) Of course when we lose someone, we remember the good and forget a lot of the bad, but is the audience really supposed to buy that a scene in Paige’s studio is the first time they’ve ever fought or raised their voices to one another?

Paige: “What if we ended the movie with the Cure’s ‘Pictures of You’? Do you think that would be too obvious?” Leo: “I don’t know. Let me take off my shirt and think about it.”

Every scene in The Vow is scripted within an inch of its life. There’s no room for genuine emotion. Just cold, calculated scenes designed to elicit tears and giggles and smiles. Plus, until a too little, too late third-act twist, Paige’s parents (Sam Neill and Jessica Lange) are played as reprehensible monsters. After the accident, they try to lure her back to their mansion outside the big, bad city, away from this boy from the wrong side of the tracks and back to law school “where she belongs.”

After realizing all these overarching issues would continue to plague the movie throughout, I started noticing the little things that bothered me. Like how Paige and Leo lived in a sprawling apartment in Chicago. Both have cars in a city where driving is not only expensive but a hassle. Yet they have jobs that only recently could have maybe caught up with their lifestyle. The economic disparity is only ever hinted at twice: once when Leo glances at a bill marked “Past Due” — one of many clichés the film checks off — and when Paige’s dad suggests a shady deal: divorce Paige and he’ll pay all her medical expenses.

Then there’s also the casual reference to Radiohead (so you know Leo is hip) and how this couple seems to know literally every international food joint in the entire north side of Chicago. But perhaps the biggest problem with The Vow is that Tatum plays the same character he always does: a mythical hulk-saint. Not only does he have washboard abs, he also has a vibrant personality and a fierce determination. He’s incredibly in touch with his feelings and always does the right thing (except punching a guy trying to take advantage of Paige’s amnesia to get her into bed, but come on, that guy was asking to get decked). Does such a noble hottie exist in the real world? Of course not.

Early on, in clumsy voiceover, Leo announces his theory that “we are the sum total of all our moments.” But The Vow is the sum total of a lot of bad decisions and missed opportunities.

For showtimes for The Vow, click here.