Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The X List: Top 10 Valentine’s Day ideas
#11: Emphasize that it's a made-up holiday to stuff the pockets of the corporate fatcats at Big Chocolate. Women love that.
It's that time of year when love is in the air — the day before the Darth Maul chocolates at Target go on sale for 50% off. Since you are reading this Valentine's Day Tips article on the internet, we can safely assume that you've had hundreds of girlfriends, but if you still need that special gift for that cherished someone, here are 10 can't-miss ideas guaranteed to have you and your loved one bumping uglies in record time.
V-Day Idea #1: Women love nothing more than to feel special. Forget the tired old flowers and chocolates and give her something truly unique: a box of human ears.
V-Day Idea #2: Leave the car in the garage and take her for a night on the town with a romantic carriage ride. Just make sure to go extra heavy on the whip, those things go like five miles an hour and you don't have all night.
V-Day Idea #3: Set the mood with the right music. Use the soulful sounds from a man who knew how to treat a woman, like Chris Brown, Bobby Brown, and/or James Brown.
V-Day Idea #4: Nothing gets a woman going like a strong man who's good with children. Take her to Chucky Cheese and leap over the prize counter to deliver the beating of the century to the attendant, then freely distribute 1,000+ ticket toys to every child still present.
V-Day Idea #5: Skywriting your true love's name can be a real ice-breaker. Particularly if she likes the color red, you've already given her a cute nickname like "PESTILENCE" and the world ends today.
V-Day Idea #6: Women love to know that they're the only girl for you. Eat lots of berries and high-fiber roots in the afternoon, so that you can crap in your hand and fling it at her potential rivals during your romantic dinner date.
V-Day Idea #7: Flowers and chocolate are nice, but trees and linebackers are bigger.
V-Day Idea #8: You don't need to break the bank to be romantic. Why splurge on expensive bottles of scented massage oil when a bucket of mayo works just as well?
V-Day Idea #9: Blindfolds and handcuffs can definitely be great mood enhancers on that special night. To really get her pheromones going, throw in a cozy ride in the trunk of a car, a little urine-soaked concrete and Mexican drug cartel thugs waving machetes. Rawwrr!
V-Day Idea #10: Sexy games are a perfect end to a romantic date. Whip out that old Axis and Allies game and send wave after wave of your Russian infantry deep into her Nazi motherland. By the time you reach the summer of 1945, she'll be begging you for a little lebensraum.