Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The X List: 10 facts about the Beyonce / Jay-Z pregnancy
Privacy is like kryptonite to celebrities, so let's do this.
In prehistoric times, when two beautiful people — or rather, one beautiful person and one really rich old guy — got married and procreated, the entire village would come out to pay their respects and probably also their taxes. Since then, little has changed. Here are 10 crucial facts you need to know about the Beyonce/Jay-Z pregnancy.
Fact #1: Presidential-level security was needed to ensure a safe and smooth switching of their baby with the AntiChrist, who was the product of an unholy union between P. Diddy and a goat with a head injury.
Fact #2: Just minutes after her birth, Blue Ivy was officially nicknamed Poopylicious.
Fact #3: Lil Wayne tried to sell autotuned recordings of the newborn crying, but it turned out it was just tapes of him molesting a CAT scan.
Fact #4: A delirious Beyonce named her daughter after the first thing she saw in the delivery room, which just happened to be an IV bag filled with ground-up Smurfette.
Fact #5: Jay-Z paid more than $1.3 million for a solid-gold stork to deliver his baby.
Fact #6: Diddy was given his very own "quiet room" in the visitor's wing, where the "rapper" could go "Unng" and "Yeh" by himself in complete darkness during the duration of the birth.
Fact #7: Rumors of the couple demanding a bulletproof room are false and unfounded. However, the hospital did confirm that the placenta was indeed made bear-proof.
Fact #8: The camera-shy couple turned off every security camera in the building because those things add like 10 pounds.
Fact #9: Disney executives rushed pre-production on Blue Ivy's future career vehicles Spy Kids 9D and Bratz 7: The Slappening.
Fact #10: Beyonce did not have an epidural, but she did drink an entire bottle of Lamasse'.