Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The X List: 10 things Mitt Romney needs to do to win the Christian Right

#11: Just get up and start punching people.

It's rough being Mitt Romney: a trustworthy face, a chiseled jaw, and regular dabs of Grecian Formula seem to have done nothing to quell the undying hatred Christian evangelicals have for the man. However, all is not lost for our nation's first openly-Mormon candidate. By following a minimum of eight to nine of these suggestions, Romney can triumph over adversity for the first and only time in his charmed life.

First off, you can begin by telling your guys to start wearing snazzier ties and stop riding bikes to work.

Polite Suggestion #1: Publicly denounce the Church of Mormon on national TV by whipping out your junk and urinating on a hobo wearing Mormon underwear.

Polite Suggestion #2: Choose Benny Hinn as your running mate.

Polite Suggestion #3: Plant a rumor that Rick Santorum had a gay black grandpappy.

Polite Suggestion #4: Promise to put a Bible on every school desk and a Book of Mormon in every trashcan.

Polite Suggestion #5: Start airing political attack ads showing unedited, uncut 30-second snippets of that sex tape you and Rick Perry made together.

Polite Suggestion #6: Promise that, if elected, all Catholics within U.S. borders will be round up and shot.

Polite Suggestion #7: Hide all those gold coins you had minted while governor of Massachusetts that say "In Moroni We Trust."

Polite Suggestion #8: Next time Newt Gingrich opens his mouth to criticize your personal beliefs, flick a booger up in there.

Polite Suggestion #9: Hold a tearful, heartfelt press conference where you finally "come clean" and admit that all your opponents are addicted to crack.

Polite Suggestion #10: Lean back, put your feet up on the desk and do nothing. God will take care of the rest.