Thursday, January 19, 2012
Top Chef Texas episode 11: Charlize Theron is a cele-bri-ty
So bow down to her if you want, bow to her.
Top Chef Texas episode 11 was lucky enough to be visited by one of the most remarkable, gorgeous, drool-worthy celebrities on the planet: CHARLIZE THERON. Also, the chef-testants did some cooking, and a new movie was mercilessly flogged.
The Quickfire Challenge used a conveyor belt, and it was like your worst experience at an airport baggage claim. You've just gotten off the plane, you're checking your messages, and you never even see your black rollaway with the rainbow-colored ribbon tied around the handle. Or else it was like one of those self-serve sushi places where the sushi comes around and you can't decide on plain tuna versus spicy, and away it goes, only to be snatched up by someone else.
The chefs had 30 minutes to pick three ingredients off the conveyor belt and cook them in a dish, so it was Anxiety City all the way. Unlike some of her wishy-washy peers who couldn't decide between Goldfish or sauerkraut, the much-persecuted Beverly chose decisively, and her orange salmon would've won if only she hadn't left off Ingredient #3, her curry-toasted rice krispies. Winning would have given her immunity. Foreboding chord.
CHARLIZE waltzed in, and so began the movie ad. In this new movie coming to your local theater soon (they also aired a long preview/ad during the episode), blond and breathtaking CHARLIZE plays a witch -- against type, of course. A beautiful witch for sure! So for the Elimination Challenge, the chef-testants had to make eeeeevil food. Lamb hearts, blood-red risotto, beets, cackle cackle. Some really Got Into It. Grayson cooked a black chicken and left its feet on. Eeuu. Paul put a red hand-print on his white plates. Ghoulish shriek. Slitty-eyed Chris used dry ice. Boo-ha-ha. Other people -- Beverly, for instance, hint hint -- weren't as macabre.
The most painful, cringe-inducing part of the episode was the dinner conversation between CHARLIZE and her fellow judges. Remember how snotty and dismissive Padma was to the rich people in Dallas? Well, flip that upside down. Padma hearted CHARLIZE. She might as well have crawled under the table and given CHARLIZE a pedicure -- with Emeril, Tom, and Eric Ripert happily placing the cotton balls between each one of CHARLIZE's perfectly formed toes.
They tried to fool us early on by showing slitty-eyed Chris talking on the phone to his wife back home. Sarah should have been sent home for using the word "scrumptious," and Paul deserved the boot for his strange lecture telling the other chefs how to behave; who died and made him coach? Grayson and slitty-eyed Chris also pushed their luck by doing an actual Chest Bump. But Beverly got the axe; her perfectly-cooked halibut and black rice just weren't scarrrry enough. Well fine -- can't wait to see who becomes the team's new punching bag.