Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The X List: 10 reasons why SOPA/PIPA is the greatest idea ever
From all the over-reaction, you'd think the government was deleting everyone's saved games or something.
With social timewasting sites like Wikipedia, Facebook, Reddit, and other accessories to internet crime protesting last week, the anti-piracy bills SOPA and PROTECT-IP were temporarily shelved. Critics unfairly portrayed a dystopian, red-pill future if the bills passed, completely oblivious to some key provisions of these bills that would end up helping us live richer, more fulfilling lives. Pour some malt liquor on your keyboard while you read these 10 reasons why SOPA and PIPA are/were/will oneday rise up to be the greatest idea ever.
Reason #1: Every red-blooded American kid dreams about becoming a pirate when they grow up. This bill would ensure that, for 87% of Americans, dreams really can and will come true.
Reason #2: People ignore the true cost of internet piracy. For example, producers of the upcoming $200 million dollar blockbuster Battleship were forced to spend $190 million of that budget on making their product suck so hard that people would be ashamed to download it for free.
Reason #3: Hollywood and the record industry aren't made of money, you know. If people stopped paying $34.98 for the Fast5 director's cut, they might not be able to afford all those top-notch scriptwriters for Fast6.
Reason #4: Under SOPA, a mole from Coke could instantly sink Pepsi's multimillion dollar website by posting copyrighted material in a single comment — thereby turning friendless, neckbearded internet trolls into the most powerful entities on the planet Earth ... just as nature intended.
Reason #5: A little-known provision of the bill would have anyone accused of piracy forced to walk the plank — resulting in massive depopulation, both solving our nation's unemployment problem and providing delicious, marbled American flesh for our oceans' model-thin great white sharks.
Reason #6: Hollywood has over a half-dozen big-budget special effects blockbusters in production that show cats doing the most darnedest things, and sites like YouTube are stealing kibbles off the table for these hard-working cat actors.
Reason #7: Under SOPA, YouTube pop sensations like Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black, and Fred would be in Federal Pound Me In The A** Prison where we can all agree they belong.
Reason #8: LOL would finally be replaced by WIP (weeping in prison) and ROTFL would be replaced by GRITSAL (getting raped in the shower againLOL).
Reason #9: Copyright snitches would get medals, not stitches.
Reason #10: By closing down the internet, SOPA would force Americans to walk outside and interact with real human beings that have mass and take up space, ushering in the Golden Era of Not Calling Everyone A N00b 5ux0r Fagtard.