Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The X List: Top 10 Sh*t Jerry Jones Says
"Romo, my boy! Can't you make your throws a little more ... touchdowny?"
A private, reclusive billionaire of independent means that shuns the spotlight and is more than willing to let others shine while he works quietly in the background, Jerry Jones is our generation's answer to Saint Francis of Assisi. Fortunately, we were able to discreetly follow the Cowboys' owner around wearing a sombrero with a tape recorder underneath it, which allowed us unedited access to this secretive titan. Here is a list of the top 10 sh*t Jerry Jones says.
#1: "Offensive line, schmoffensive line."
#2: "If those f***ing c***bag moderators at the My Little Pony fan forum won't play ball, I'm going to personally hunt down their loved ones, stuff Scandrick's jock down their throats and duct-tape them to the godd*mn 50-yard line. On my command, release the bees."
#3: "Big JJ don't play-play."
#4: "Well you can tell the godd*mn city of Arlington that I'm holding my all-nude chariot races tomorrow whether I've got a f***ing permit or not."
#6: "I ordered zesty ranch dressing, not this s**t! What the hell am I supposed to do with 14 godd*mn truckloads of elephant semen? I've got a f***ing Super Bowl tomorrow!"
#7: "Where does Tom Coughlin live? No, I won't calmly put this godd*mn samurai sword down, just tell me where he f****ing lives!!"
#8: "Anyone seen my Christian Death CD?"
#9: "Yes, mom, yes. We let another team go ahead and win the Super Bowl this year (bites knuckle). Yes, yes, I love you too, mom."
#10: "If Garrett won't let me DM a chaotic evil hack and slash campaign, I'm going to dock three charisma points from that ginger sunuvabitch's epic paladin."