Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The Dallas Stars’ Bizarre Bazaar

Your award-winning guide to the Stars' wheelin' and dealin' with a little bit o' stealin'.

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we explained why the free agent pool was a little warmer than usual. This week, following some bizarre signings, it's time to take a closer look at Dallas' newest acquisitions via the power of freestyle rap. Hit it!

They will sing tales of the Stars' top nine.

*stares blankly at hostile crowd of gangstaz while holding mic in one hand and drinking from a chocolate milk carton with a straw in the other*

You know what? On second thought, let's do this internet-style. Hit it!

**Well, Hello There**

Ray Whitney

Strengths: Playmaking, passing, scoring, powerplay quarterbacking.

Weaknesses: Complains to linemates that grandkids never visit.

Hopes: Will bring life to the Stars' dead-last special teams by maybe taking more than one shot every eight games on the powerplay.

Projected Impact: 65 points for the Stars, -77 points for one of their division rivals.

Derek Roy

Strengths: Speed, playmaking, skating.

Weaknesses: First professional athlete in Buffalo sports history to know failure.

Hopes: As a strong two-way second-line center, can free up Jamie Benn to finally take an offensive draw or two.

Projected Impact: 59 points, 15 games lost to injury, $6.5 million a year from Toronto next July 1st.

With Ott gone, Dallas has had to bring Brett Hull out of retirement.

Jaromir Jagr

Strengths: On-ice vision, pedigree, skating-strength

Weaknesses: Old enough to remember Hapsburg rule.

Hopes: Can bring Jamie Benn the same Yoda-like magic that helped turn Claude Giroux from a very good young player into an elite NHL superstar.

Projected Impact: 49 points in the regular season, just a dozen worthless assists in the playoffs.

Cody Eakins

Strengths: He was the #1 center prospect in the Capital's system.

Weaknesses: He was the #1 center prospect in the Capital's system.

Hopes: Can anchor a fast, counterattacking checking line that doesn't spend 90 seconds chasing the puck in its own zone.

Projected Impact: 31 points from the third line, 10 more from the second, zero fake goals as awesome as this.

Aaron Rome

Strengths: Rugged, masculine physicality

Weaknesses: Can't wash the stink of Canuck off him.

Hopes: Can be a crease-clearin' sunuvabich on the third pairing.

Projected Impact: Despite playing just 33 games, still outscores Sheldon Souray.

**Fare Thee Well**

Mike Ribeiro

Strengths: 50 Shades of Sexy, was once a point-per-game player

Weaknesses: ...four years ago.

Hopes: Should be the flashy, offense-only pivot Alexander Ovechkin craves.

Projected Impact: 59 points, 15 games lost to injury, $6.5 million a year from Toronto next July 1st.

Steve Ott

Strengths: Faceoff wizard, battler, speed-demon, top chirper in the NHL

Weaknesses: Ability to hit the post on a breakaway unrivaled in entire NHL.

Hopes: Bigger role in Buffalo, crappier Eastern Conference defenses will allow Ott to break out offensively.

Projected Impact: 45 points and his own HBO reality show by mid-March.

Come October, there might be a serious run on Ovechkin's stable of blonde Russian supermodels.

Adam Burish

Strengths: Sparkplug, fighter, great in the room.

Weaknesses: Scores about as often as a teenage dungeonmaster at a Christian rock concert.

Hopes: Can provide some juice and pep in the most melancholic locker room in the league, probably.

Projected Impact: 15 points, 191 golden scoring chances blown.

Sheldon Souray

Strengths: Size, shot.

Weaknesses: Speed, aim.

Hopes: Can provide the Ducks with the physical presence in front of the net they've lacked since Pronger left.

Projected Impact: 66 games lost to injury, still top-five in league in minor penalties.

That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we overanalyze the Red Wings' 100-year, $1 billion offer sheet to Shea Weber and ask if that's enough to convince someone to move to Detroit. The answer may surprise you.