Thursday, July 19, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The First Salvo of the Upcoming NHL War
If this doesn't make you side with the owners, nothing will.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we penned a heartfelt letter to long-suffering Buffalo Sabres fans (we'll see ya in the Super Bowl, amigos!). This week, since absolutely nothing of any note whatsoever has occured, we're going to take a good, hard look at the CBA, i.e., the Excuse for Yet Another Lockout.
Earlier in the week, the NHL made its first offer ... which was maybe a little unreasonable. But what you saw was just a summary of a tweet of a summary: We at Pegasus News sent our crack team of elite hobos to NHL HQ to sift through their garbage and sewage lines; after many of them were misaken for Eastern Conference GMs, we were able to procur this information. Here are some of the lesser-known provisions of the owners' offer.
Provision 138.b: Goalies will have one million dollars deducted from their contracts for every time they are photoshopped with a beachball.
Provision 192.d: Throwback Nights to feature beloved retro jerseys, live organ music and player salaries from 1932.
Provision 218.v: Arbitration to be replaced by vigorous spanking.
Provision 223.c: Any NHL player making more than $4.75 million a season must travel to NHL headquarters and personally swear fealty to Emperor Bettman.
Provision 238.j: Instead of no-trade clauses, players will receive monthly bus passes.
Provision 244.l: Any player making more than $6.25 million a season must allow his owner to get him into a rear naked chokehold at least once a week.
Provision 290.k: The losing team in a playoff series must select one player, who will have an ear removed by the beer vendor of his choice. The victorious team's captain will then wear this ear on a string around his neck until the end of days.
Provision 311.r: Jeans can no longer be worn on Game 7s.
Provision 312.h: Players will now be responsible for making their own coffee during breaks, emptying their own wastebaskets and supplying their own ice for the arena on game days.
Provision 398.t: When an owner takes a dump, the forward with the lowest plus/minus on the team will flush it.
Provision 411.f: The salary cap will be replaced by a feudal system in which the team's top two players split the payroll, then pay the players below them as they deign to see fit.
Provision 414.d: The $54 million salary floor will be replaced by a $54 hard concrete dungeon floor.
Provision 429.y: First-round draft picks will be required to go shopping with the owner's wife, listen attentively to her problems and snuggle with her after intercourse.
Provision 440.t: Enigmatic Russian players who fail to backcheck will be shipped off to the Gulag.
Provision 495.k: All goaltenders, with the exception of Marty Brodeur, will be required to participate in mandatory bikini car washes.
Provision 501.a: NHL owners will be allowed one free ability score of 20 for all team-sponsored D&D campaigns.
Provision 502.d: Craig Leopold gets backsies.
But it wasn't all hardball and unannounced sack-slaps. Here are all of the concessions they were willing to make.
Concession #1: All Red Wings players will receive an additional 5% off any large or medium one-topping pizza at participating Little Caesar's.
Concession #2: Sharks defensemen are now eligible for one free virus scan on their laptops.
Concession #3: There will be no concession #3.