Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The X List: 9 additional NCAA-imposed punishments for Penn State
#10: "Sandusky" to be turned into a verb, while "Paterno" to split time between noun and adjective.
Yesterday the NCAA finally let the Hammer of Late Justice fall on the Penn State football program in response to the school's systemic tolerance of over a decade of pedophilia. The penalties imposed by the NCAA were harsh, but just the tip of the iceberg. Here are nine additional punishments levied on Penn State that you might not have heard about.
#1: As perhaps the worst punishment of them all, Penn State's once-hallowed name will now be lumped in with third-rate hack institution SMU for all eternity.
#2: Commission of a 20-foot statue of Jerry Sandusky standing directly behind and over Joe Paterno's statue.
#3: Legendary alumnus Matt Millen to be given full control over the football program.
#4: Penn State to return half of Sandusky's Teen Choice awards.
#5: At halftimes during home games, former victims can participate in the school's "Touch Back" program, in which a butt-nekkid Sandusky will be strapped to the goalpost while volunteers armed with 10-foot poles help him to discover orifices he never even knew he had.
#6: NCAA to invest majority of the $60 million fine in time travel, so that they could send a guy back to 1998 to tell Paterno they're taking away his next hundred wins.
#7: Sandusky to be made an honorary bishop of the Catholic Church.
#8: Those power-worshipping sexually deviant reprobates at Penn State will finally be forced into the Ivy League where they belong.
#9: The creation of a special fund of $180 million and two free Rose Bowl wins if it ever turns out that Sandusky really was innocent after all.