Thursday, June 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - It’s Time to Welcome Our L.A. King Overlords
On the plus side, at least it wasn't the Sharks.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we struggled to come up with reasons why this Kings Cup victory isn't the worst thing to happen to hockey since Lord W.F. McGill, Esq. who, in 1837, was the first to use human defensemen instead of starving bears.
For fans of the other Pacific Division teams, this one stings a little, especially as most of us rooted for teams that scored considerably more goals against Jonathan Quick than the allegedly "best" teams in the NHL. And watching Dustin Brown, the most pathetic excuse for a "hockey" player in the league, skate around with the Cup (by the way he handled it, you know that he never expected to raise it in his lifetime either) is like watching him pour hydrochloric acid in our eye sockets after urinating on our grandmother's grave.
Sure, it could have been worse... it could've been the Canucks... but bygones are bygones, and it's time to cowboy up, hoist our own petards and do what any sensible hockey fan should: Revolt.
"B-b-but Todd," you're saying, "I'm a non-confrontational guy who accepts this Cup as it is and DVRs 'The View' and dips his genitals in glitter every morning. Why should I resist the will of the Kings?"
My answer: you're right, Editorially Convenient Straw Man, you shouldn't. But for every true hockey fan, every real butt-slappin', double-flushin', chesthair-ownin', gorilla-cuddlin', chainsaw-chewin' sunuvabish, I've got just the thing. It's a dusty old emergency U.S. government emergency manual that I found in the hollowed-out corpse of Douglas MacArthur in a nuclear submarine I punched to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. With this handy guide, you should be able to weather these difficult offseason months, until real hockey resumes and we can get back to what hockey fans do best: ignoring the Kings.
SO THE KINGS HAVE WON THE STANLEY CUP - U.S. GOVERNMENT SURVIVAL MANUAL #AJDU3478B
INTRODUCTION: If you are reading this, then the genetically-enhanced tidal wave from U.S. SURVIVAL GUIDE #F8293JD8 has wiped out 29 of the 30 hockey cities from the face of the earth, allowing the LOS ANGELES KINGS to temporarily place their grubby paws on the STANLEY CUP. This also means that no North American cities have been left standing, human breeding stock is down to one homeless man with no pants, and super-intelligent flamethrower-equipped arachnid-moose hybrids run rampant across our nation's countryside, devouring our young and artificially inflating commercial property values. In the last seconds of your life, your government wants you to read this instructional booklet on how to deal with a potential Kings Cup instead of doing anything else. You can spend time with your loved ones later in Heaven provided you have never harbored a Communist idea like reading or praying naked.
STEP ONE: DON'T PANIC: It is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you do not look behind you RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND. If you do glance over your shoulder, skip ahead to the blank back of this page marked 'OBLIVION.'
STEP TWO: KEEP INFORMED: At this point you are probably cowering behind your TV set, unable to watch noted Grey sympathizer Dustin Brown melt the Cup with the caustic sulfuric acid that oozes from the vents in his thick, rubbery, human-appearing skinsuit. Fortunately every television set in America is equipped with a pocket-sized one-way ham radio in one of its many secret compartments nestled in the copious amounts of wood surrounding the actual screen. Use code 40-42 to open the correct false door and retrieve your anti-Kings survival gear.
STEP THREE: GATHER YOUR FAMILY: The small broom and dustpan included with this guide should prove adequate.
STEP FOUR: ARM YOURSELF: An L.A. King could strike you from behind at ANY MOMENT. Unfortunately, unlike other possible apocalyptic scenarios like #284JF74F: FAST ZOMBIES and #48JG5JFK: UNICORNS, a single shot to the head will do nothing to a rampaging L.A. King, and retaliatory gunfire will always result in fatal blowback. The only known defense against an L.A. King is to wrap yourself in the hide of a freshly-killed zebra, which will confuse and arouse the King, forcing it to flop wildly on the floor.
STEP FIVE: EVACUATE: It will take a minimum of one calendar year for any part of North America to become even remotely habitable. Unless you can flee to Los Angeles, where you will never hear one word about the Kings again.
STEP SIX: PLOT YOUR REVENGE: If you have read this far, the probability of your survival is higher than that of the U.S. Government itself. Go out and breed with any passably-attractive mammal left alive. Warn them of this day. Train them in the way of the legal bodycheck, the open-ice deke, the competent power play pass back to the point. Never forget: Kings fans surely won't.
That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we watch Zach Parise flirt with teams other than the Stars, and drop hints that he actually sucks and always has and we didn't want him in the first place.