The X List: 8 new features of the Xbox 720

Family-safe titles will include Milk Man, Pool Cleaner, and Pizza Delivery Boy.

Just yesterday a "leaked" document, purportedly from Microsoft's plutonium-lined underground lair, hinted at some juicy details for the rumored new Xbox. We were able to go deeper and get our grubby little Pultizer-stained hands on the real blueprint for his device — several Pegasus News interns were sacrificed for this information, which honestly was the best part of all this — so we could give you these eight new features of the legendary Xbox 720.

Classic MS games are in development as you read this.

#1: When your video game character dies, you will be welcomed with the Windows Blue Screen of Death, which can only be fixed with a $79.99 call to Microsoft Tech Support.

#2: The all-immersive experience will completely automate several important gaming functions like calling other players "f*gtards," while also providing gamers with a list of over 14,000 different actions they can claim to have done to opponent's mothers' reproductive organs.

#3: Microsoft's new "4D" environment will introduce an unexplored new dimension for gamers: love.

#4: Improved voice recognition software will award your character with better weapons and armor if you say really nice things about Microsoft during the game.

#5: Augmented-reality glasses will allow players to see the actual mythological creatures hiding behind their furniture, and, thanks to several jagged rows of red-hot barbs, can never be taken off.

#6: The 720 will have improved four-player tracking for you and up to three of your imaginary friends.

#7: In addition to technology that will block gamers from playing "used" games, the 720 will also perform weekly credit checks, deduct points if it detects Ikea furniture in the room, and call your mother if its marijuana sensors are tripped.

#8: "Old-School Mode" will feature CGA graphics, a built-in 300-baud modem, and text-only versions of Halo and Gears of War. Also: There will be no other Mode.