Plano named second most vain city in the U.S.

Dallas is No. 5.

Plano is so boring, people seldom get killed up there. Now, it turns out, Plano is boring and PRETTY. Yes, according to Men’s Health mag, Plano is the No. 2 top city for vanity — that is cosmetic procedures, Botox users, hair dye jobs, people who will spend anything to look younger, at-home hair dyes, teeth whiteners, shapewear (WTF? Are these girdles for men?) and as per-capita rates of cosmetic dentists, plastic surgeons, and tanning salons (ouch).

Which reminds me: Never go to a place called FLOSS. They are crazy. They have sent me soooo many direct mail cards they are beginning to rival the IRS for paper waste. Seriously FLOSS folks, how the heck much are you spending on direct mail marketing for the new spot over at Preston and Royal? I am not going to set foot in there despite the 300 free teeth bleachings you have offered (and I need) just because you have OD’d on direct mail marketing. Enough!

So Plano is No. 2, our hurricane drenched friends in Tampa are No. 1. Florida, of course! No. 3 vain city is Atlanta, followed by Las Vegas, Dallas, Pittsburgh (are you serious?), Houston, Miami, San Francisco and — I kid you not — Providence, Rhode Island.

The folks who do these things must be going to Colorado for medicinal marijuana. I mean, Providence? New York City is No. 17, probably because the vast number of vain men in the Big A — I’m thinking Wall Street — are outshadowed by the slovenly, sloppy, wrinkled, and pot-bellied slouches.

Here is the list so you can tell which cities to avoid LIKE THE PLAGUE. (Hint: Buffalo, N.Y.)

Now, how does this correlate to our housing market? Do vain men treat their homes as well as they do their faces? I think they do. If you care about yourself and go to great lengths to keep your looks rejuvenated, chances are you also take care of your home — right?