Fire and damnation, we’re praying for a second season of GCB

by Sarah Blaskovich

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What does the Bible say about kissing your pastor?

Dallas' Sunday night soap opera GCB has reached the end of its first season, and if we have anything to do with it, we'd like to have those good Christian bitches back for another cat fight, though a second season isn't confirmed yet. Campy and ridiculous, the show staged in Highland Park lets viewers watching on Sunday nights pretend for 60 precious minutes that Monday isn't so close. And if that dream world of Bible-thumping blondes and million-dollar mansions really is far from your own reality, even better.

The season finale was perhaps one of the most ridiculous of the season, and that's sayin' something. Teeny Carlene Cockburn (Kristin Chenoweth) drags her shallow besties to Juarez, Mexico – pronounced like “Whore-ez” by these country girls – to kick up the dirt on her life-long pet project, a set of Christian condos. Main character Amanda Vaughan (Leslie Bibb) tags along despite not being invited because she learns that her main squeeze Luke (who happens to be Carlene's brother) has lied to her and is actually in Juarez, too. The show ends as it began: painfully predictable.

It's only minutes after Carlene & her gold hardhat fling the dirt that the ladies are kidnapped by a woman who says the Christian condos will be built on sacred Native American land. A fiery Carlene won't agree to nix her godly construction project, so the ladies are forced to find their own way back to town, teetering in their heels and badly needing a set'n'style. Sweet Sharon Peacham (Jennifer Aspen) had a bottle of liquor in her purse, so the parched women slug the strong stuff, no dumber than they were before they got drunk. Amanda, who's vowed to be sober, takes a swig, too.

Thank the good Lord that Amanda's mom Gigi Stopper (Annie Potts) – possibly the best character on the show – saved the day while they nearly die in the desert: Gigi pulls a teeny, gold gun out of her bouffant and tosses an aerosal hairspray up at a billboard, firing at the bottle so it sets the sign on fire. Of course, the billboard was a giant picture of Carlene's face, which, when in flames, helps their husbands locate the women stranded on the other side of that hill. Only on this show.

A side story about Carlene's husband Ripp Cockburn (David James Elliott) seen with a young Mexican girl is hardly worth mentioning, as it was never believable that she was his mistress. We wait way too long for him to state the obvious: Lucia is his daughter.

The better romance is between Amanda and Pastor Tudor (Tyler Jacob Moore), the hunky blonde clergyman who we'd been waiting to make some sinful moves on somebody. He finds Amanda at the bar, wearing the tightest pants ever worn by a woman over the age of 21. And “oh dear God,” he reaches in for a steamy smooch.

Praise Jesus, we've found ourselves a replacement for Desperate Housewives.

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