Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know an Ex-Star: Sergei Zubov
We can talk about Zubov, or we can talk about the lockout. It's totally up to you.
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we wrote our 437th consecutive Pultizer-worthy piece on the NHL lockout; this week, rather than break the all-time record of 438, we're going to head in a completely different direction and talk about actual news instead. I'm talking about something so earth-shattering, so game-changing, so pants-wetting, it could only involve our Favorite Dallas Star of All Time.
That's right, Sergei Zubov is (kindof) back, baby!
Earlier this week it was announced that the St. Louis Blues had convinced Zubov to return from his voluntary siesta in the gulag. While it may suck for Stars fans not to have him (or the sleeker, more stylish 2006 version) manning the powerplay, it's still fun to reminisce about a bygone era in which the Stars actually made the playoffs. Here's a quick breakdown of one of the most underrated defensemen ever to play the game.
Better Know an Ex-Star: Sergei Zubov
Name: Sergei Zubov
Acceptable Nicknames: The Silent Assassin, Crazy Ivan, Zewbs, the Red Menace, Sergei the Great, the Smolensk Smokestack, Smoov Z.
Unacceptable Nickname: Chirpy
Born in: Moscow
Lives in: Moscow
Strangled his first Moon Nazi in: The Forbidden Catacombs of the Temple of Eldritch Abominations located on the Lost Continent of Atlantis.
Moon Nazis? But... why?: It was naptime but he wasn't tired. Four year olds, amirite?
Body Temperature: -275 degrees Kelvin, which is cold enough to slow both time and space.
Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: Take your pick. Although his most stunning goals were in the shootout, probably the most critical goal he didn't score was the one in the waning moments of the 199 triple-OT elimination game in Edmonton, where he banked a shot off of Joe Niuwendyk's knee and into the net for the series-clincher... after playing 57 minutes of hockey against one of the most amped-up young teams in the NHL.
Nicest Comparison: Vasily Zaytsev
Who Wants Him: Grown men in authentic Dallas Stars uniforms.
Who Wants to be Him: Grown men in authentic Dallas Stars uniforms.
Greatest Strengths: Puck patience, skating strength, ice vision.
Greatest Weaknesses: DNA too powerful for modern cloning technology.
Preferred DnD Character: Level 36 Epic Assassin
Looks Eerily Similar To: That cabbie who drove you to the airport last week, Gary Oldman.
Looks Eerily Nothing Like: The RZA
Career Goals: Settle down, do a little coaching, maybe sucker-punch Cthlulu in the groin just to see what he would do.
Worst Fear: Smoke-free restaurants
Things He Does Better Than You: All The Hockey.
If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: White House Honey Ale as it's poured down Scarlett Johanssen's back.
Alternate Universe Career: Apple product tester, Messiah.