Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The X List: 10 reasons why Texas should secede from the U.S. immediately
Except for Austin. Y'all can keep that mess.
With some 25,000-odd Texans (and trolling Oklahomans) petitioning for secession from the Union following the Obama landslide re-election last week, it's high time we looked at the positives of finally moving out of America's garage and heading out on our own. Here are 10 reasons why Texas should secede from the U.S. as soon as humanly possible.
#1: The legal groundwork for secession was already laid down in the landmark 1984 courtcase Steers vs. Queers.
#2: Juarez has been beggin' for an invasion ever since 1918.
#3: Healthcare reform will be replaced by heavily-armed doctors telling you to "mosey it off."
#4: Own a Prius? Death penalty.
#5: Finally have an excuse to build a moat filled with flaming hobo diapers between us and Oklahoma.
#6: Las Cruces has been cruisin' for a bruisin' ever since 1994.
#7: Can finally reach a Texas-sized compromise on immigration, where we'll allow them in but they'll only count as 3/5ths of a Texan for census purposes. Additionally, anyone taking a census will be shot.
#8: The Nation of Texas will finally be able to enact large-scale, sweeping welfare and pension reform by ditching both and replacing them with in-store discounts on assault rifles.
#9: Don't much like the way Switzerland has been eyin' our stuff; can finally do something about it.
#10: Can finally build a liberal-proof fence made of red meat and prison rape to keep our borders safe during the impending Obama-led apocalypse.