Tuesday, November 20, 2012
The X List: 10 tips for a successful Black Friday
Remember: Keep your elbows up and your center of gravity low, and follow through on all strikes to the head.
It's that time of year again, when we play major national retailers for suckers by giving them all the money. But with massive mall parking lot traffic snarls, dwindling piles of cheap merchandise, and ill-timed laws preventing you from shooting indiscriminately into large crowds, Black Friday can be a slightly stressful time. Here are 10 tips to make this Friday a stunning shoporific success.
#1: Taking advantage of steep discounts at the gun store first will make the rest of the day's shopping significantly easier.
#2: Trash-talking at the Baby Gap is not only expected, but encouraged.
#3: A totem, such as a pile of bleeding gorilla corpses, is a great way to mark off the My Little Pony aisle as yours and yours alone.
#4: Remember that food, water, and rest are your enemies this Friday. Every second wasted on eating or sleeping over shopping will haunt you forever.
#5: You see that stack of steeply-discounted Samsung DVD players? If you take one and destroy the others, yours will automatically rise in value.
#6: Finding a parking spot at the mall on Black Friday is much easier if you're rip-roaringly drunk.
#7: The poor cannot be trusted on Black Friday. If you see someone with fewer than three shopping bags, you must assume this person is homicidally jealous of your possessions and willing to commit unspeakable acts to get them. Go on the offensive -- give them a solid roundhouse kick to the face before they expect anything. The stuff you save may be your own.
#8: Bathroom breaks are for the weak. A well-placed catheter and some duct tape can allow you to ignore nature's calls while simultaneously staving off anyone within a 10-foot radius behind your back.
#9: You will be tempted to cut in line at the cashier's this Friday. Give in to this temptation. Revel in it. Drink its juices. And then punch a small child.
#10: Unused shopping carts are often hard to find, but they are rarely well-defended. A quick pre-emptive strike to the back of the neck will incapacitate most elderly women. You may get one that appears unfazed by your initial attack; pack a garden hose full of buckshot for self-defense.