Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The X List: 10 tips to winning the Powerball jackpot
If you're not planning to blow an entire paycheck on tickets, you just don't understand basic math.
With the latest Powerball jackpot at a paltry $425 million and growing, it's time our nation's non-hobo population stood up and took notice. Here are 10 tips that will help you win this highly-coveted prize.
#1: Have you tried praying to God for vast material wealth? That always works.
#2: They say "fortune favors the bold," "Nature abhors a vacuum," and "a stitch in time saves nine": Go ahead and bravely spend about $400 million today and let Nature fill the sudden hole in your bank account with inevitably huge reams of cash. You're on your own on whatever that stitch thing means, though.
#3: Remember that going into a 7-Eleven, buying a ticket and then performing a blood sacrifice with a live chicken in the beer aisle is no way to ensure a winning ticket, since this is an extremely common choice of animal. Try an endangered species instead: bald eagles and Bigfoots are especially prized by the invisible forces that determine lottery results.
#4: Picking a winning number is key. Leading numerology studies show a direct correlation between taking your birthday, multiplying each date by the number of letters in your favorite TV show and dividing by the number of s#%ts the rest of us give about you becoming rich. You can take that number to the bank, baby!
#5: Letting the computer pick your winning number is key. The computer's favorite items to be bribed with are $175 million in extra RAM, an original ENIAC swimsuit pin-up calendar from 1952, and the still-beating heart of a small child.
#6: When it comes to praying to the various gods, goddesses, and Mammon, remember to back the right horse and pick Jesus, whose 99.99999% answer-success rate is tops in the industry.
#7: Remember to be careful what you wish for, or you may walk out of the liquor store and have your nads electrocuted by a rogue power line.
#8: Being an adorable toe-headed little orphan may not guarantee a winning Powerball ticket, but it can't hurt your chances either. Brain both your parents with a rusty garden hoe just to make sure you're not leaving any advantages on the table.
#9: Forgery is your friend. A little basic Photoshop, some creative editing and access to the office laser printer will certainly fool those mouth-breathing yokels down at the lotto office.
#10: Technically, you don't need to buy a ticket to win Powerball. Just reverse look up the name and address of the unlucky sunuvabeesh with the winning ticket, head over to his house with a shovel and 40 feet of rope, and do what needs to be done.