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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Thursday Morning Cupcheck - Better Know a Future Star: Brett Ritchie


Hockey will come back when and only when Ritchie decides he's good and ready.

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we stuck our proverbial forks in the five biggest turkeys in Dallas Stars history. This week, as part of our continuing non-coverage of the ockoutlay, we're going to focus instead on one of the emerging key pieces of the future of the Dallas Stars. Of course, I'm talking about power forward and all-around bad arse Brett Ritchie.

Ritchie does insane amounts of damage on a critical hit when he powerattacks for full with his +1 scythe.

Ritchie does insane amounts of damage on a critical hit when he powerattacks for full with his +1 scythe.

Ritchie currently has 42 points in just 27 games with the Niagara Icedogs, and recently had an eight-game goal scoring streak snapped. The kid is huge, fast, incredibly skilled in and around the net and projects out to precisely the type of player every single NHL GM hopes to one day acquire once they finally stop drafting skinny offensive defensemen.

Normally a player of Ritchie's size and skill set is not available to a team like the Stars, but fortunately --thanks largely to a prolonged illness-caused slump in the minors right before the draft-- he fell into our laps at 44th overall, 30 picks after the Stars selected their other franchise cornerstone, Jamie Oleksiak.

But beyond the gaudy scoring stats, what do we need to know about this giant among men, this Second Coming of Odin? Here are the facts you'll be quoting to your friends from rival Pacific Division teams as they turn to you in disbelief and ask "Who the hell is that guy?"

Name: Brett Ritchie

Born In: Orangeville, Ontario

Will One Day Be Buried In: A titanium-plated pyramid made of crushed Soviet tanks and Blackhawks fans' tears.

Height: 6-foot-3

Weight: 215

Large and in Charge?: Correct.

Acceptable Nicknames: Ritchy, Fistrich, The Iron Beast, Scourge of the Frozen Wastes

Unacceptable Nicknames: Fredo

Defining Moment as a Dallas Star: Getting stolen in the second round of the 2011 draft because 29 teams don't understand that mono is a temporary condition.

Consider your leg swept, Western Conference.

Consider your leg swept, Western Conference.

Nicest Comparison: Cam Neely

Meanest Comparison: Evgeny Artyukhin

Strengths: Bash, Cleave, Whirlwind, Intimidate, Hammer of the Ancients

Weaknesses: North America to run out of delicious grizzlies by 2022 if he doesn't change his daily diet.

Better Than James Neal in 2013?: Yes

Who Wants Him: Women, Brian Burke

Who Wants to Be Him: Most vertebrates

Preferred DnD Character: Legendary Dreadnought

Least Similar Game of Thrones Character: Sansa Stark

Looks Eerily Similar To: William Zabka

Looks Eerily Nothing Like: DJ Jazzy Jeff

Career Goals: Captaincy and Cup by age 25

Worst Fear: Thornton Melon

Thing He Does Better Than You: Hockey

If He Was a Beer, He'd Be: Sam Adams Triple Bock

Alternate Universe Career: A Central Asian God of War



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