Monday, October 8, 2012
Recap: Big Rich Texas got cougar injections and a Duarte reduction
She took her "camel toe" to Spain.
DALLAS “Villain is the wrong word because it implies evil,” my dad corrected me. “And, evil requires a modicum of calculation.”
As it turns out, my father went to Bonham High School with the “villain” from seasons one and two of Big Rich Texas – a soft-scripted “docudrama” set in Dallas and aired on the Style Network. Season Three premiered Sunday night sans Pamela Martin-Duarte, its noted antagonist with litigious ways. Fans – are there fans? – wondered if the show would rebound with new characters (let’s just call them what they are) and the same shameful behavior that allegedly represents “high” Dallas society by granting a handful of oddly reconstructed nouveau-and-pseudo-riche Franken-women – and their ungrateful, entitled progeny – a platform with which to embarrass the entire city. I still haven’t worked out the premise, but it is something like this: Mother-daughter pairs do some stuff maybe with or for or at a country club. I think it’s Woodhaven.
Season Three kicked off with the brunette one – DeAynni Hatley – making uninspired quips at a vaguely racist pool party (the waiters are wearing ponchos, fake mustaches, and sombreros) about having had her “wings” clipped. In other words, she’s had a cosmetic procedure to reduce the size of her upper arms. This lead to a discussion on how her next move will be a “vajayjay reconstruct.”
Dad: Do you get hazard pay for this?
The Frito Bandito pool party was also where we learned that Pam, aka “Satan,” is in Spain because last season someone told her to “take your camel toe and get out.” Though, on that note, Egypt might have been a more appropriate choice.
We also found out that Leslie “supposibly” has a new billionaire boyfriend with whom she’s been jetting all over the country, but everyone suspected shenanigans and that he probably doesn't even exist, but if he does, he’s probably really old, but maybe also Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey. Each of the women has been reading [aka listening to the book on tape version] it, and DeAynni really loves hardcore porn. Like, really really loves it, for real y’all. While it initially seemed like another needless surgery, viewers paused to reassess the practicality of her proposed “vajayjay reconstruct.”
Bonnie’s generally-awful daughter Whitney (24) moved back to Dallas because she missed her mother’s checkbook, so to award her for being terrible, Bonnie took her to a mother-daughter Botox party where we met the new character, Cindy, who parties a lot and hangs out with her friend’s 20-something daughter. They used to have to lie about going out partying, but now that the daughter moved out of her mom’s house, they really don’t lie about it anymore. All of this was revealed in front of Cindy’s 15-year-old daughter who takes private snarling lessons from one of the world's foremost snarling tutors.
At Cindy’s party they drank “Botinis,” and Bonnie was really concerned about the buzz around town that Cindy was their shared cosmetic surgeon’s “#1 client.” The methodology for determining such remained left unclear. Is there a punch card? They hashed it out, and Cindy said she doesn’t care either way, and Bonnie was tres relieved because it had created in her a massive existential crisis.
Two characters got in a fight at Cindy’s, and it set up the alliances that will likely last all season – or all episode – but it was so boring it’s not worth further mention. Tossing water after a stilted accusation where no one is sure why anyone is upset is the Kato Kaelin of Reality TV. For some reason it made entertainment news again last week, but no one quite remembers why or what they heard about it.
Whitney brought over her new boyfriend “Booger,” a body-piercer who is the most likable person on Big Rich Texas. He wanted to get Whitney's parents' approval, even though Whitney said they are stupid-heads and wah and I hate them. In a confessional, Bonnie said, “Why could she not bring home someone … else. Like a cosmetic surgeon?”
Bonnie’s disdain for Booger was totally unwarranted given the fact that her own husband, Jason, has the haircut of a 13-year-old “sk8er boi,” and he accidentally rubbed a mushroom in his eye while eating during the episode and he was worried about it. In Booger's defense, who can say that he won’t -- against all reason -- miraculously get rich quick, too? Maybe he'll sell body parts (not his own) on the black market? Or, maybe he will do something productive and useful for the world, considering he was the only person who showed any compassion or concern for the rest of humanity throughout the entire episode.
When discussing why she decided to accept his offer to move in, Whitney said, “He puts my feelings before his own and he cares about me and he has eyebrows that go like this, like little triangles.” She then arched both index fingers and demonstrated Booger’s arched eyebrows before making a laughing noise that sounded a little like she had a stroke.
Leslie – who has the secret billionaire boyfriend who might or might not be a character from Mommy Porn – grew concerned that the boyfriend, Rip, will inexplicably find out that she buys clothes at a consignment store, so the women advised her to buy a whole new wardrobe and to dump everything she owns at Goodwill.
Leslie, dear. Target dresses look just as good on the floor of a private jet as Chanel ones. Enjoy your tryst, for heaven’s sake.
So, Leslie took Rip’s credit card and went shopping at Milk and Honey with Cindy and Cindy’s scowling daughter, and they also brought along Leslie's goddaughter Kaylin who wanted to be a pastry chef so she quit school and got a job as a cashier at cupcake store. The job was way lame, though, and Kaylin had confronted Leslie about how she was planning to quit and Leslie forbade both quitting the job and also looking at boys' abs on smart phones. Kaylin is offended, beside herself, despondent when Leslie decided to teach her an important lesson at Milk and Honey by refusing to buy her an orange blouse and bag that she thought matched but really, really clashed.
Leslie reasoned, “Rip is not her dad! He’s my boyfriend. He didn’t give me his credit card for her to have a shopping spree.”
Well, Les. Good on ya for teaching her this important lesson about self-sufficiency, integrity, and intellectual honesty.
Later, Cindy reinforced this point with this sage advice: “Men are good for one thing ...”
Wait for it.
“You can duplicate the other thing. But, you can’t duplicate money.”
The episode reached crescendo with everyone meeting at the country club for a casino night for “charity” or something and Melissa – who we finally learned has beef with Leslie over last season’s spillage that Melissa lost her Miss Texas title due to the dire effects of abstinence-only sex education – called out Leslie, seemingly out of nowhere, for being a “gold digger.”
My dad interjected: "That was like Bruce Jenner dissing Carrot Top for getting a face-lift."
Melissa also called Leslie’s new beau an “old man,” despite the fact that Rip was “suspiciously” missing at the casino night and no one has met him. (Wonder why...) Leslie said that Rip is her “contemporary,” and then repeatedly said she doesn’t have to be a gold digger because she “has enough gold.”
Pause, please. Are we talking bullion here? And, would it constitute a “hoard?” Glenn Beck wandered into the frame and made the “call me” signal.
Some more drinks were cast, and Bonnie opined that Leslie went the extra mile by actually throwing her glass and that throwing drinks is one but, but it was “not appropriate” to throw the glass, because it cut Melissa’s foot.
From this confrontation, we can assume that this season's alliances have shaked out as such: Melissa snagged Bonnie and some other people. Leslie picked up Cindy in the draft, because Cindy hasn’t been in Dallas long, but she can see what is “just,” and that is the mark of a real friend.
My dad: "It’s bad when something makes you wish you were watching the Kardashians."
An afterthought worth noting, however, was that Cindy was all over Tyler, who is 21 and somebody’s son. While he is an OK-looking kid, if he is truly the playboy of the country club, as was implied, then Woodhaven really is a parallel universe where the laws of physics don’t apply. This brief flirtation, of course, set up Cindy for a season-long arch as the resident cougar.
"More like polecat," my mom added.
The Big Rich Texas Season Three premiere ended with a preview for the season that was indistinguishable from anything else that had happened during the last hour. So, we switched channels to catch a show with actual entertainment value: Bayou Billionaires.