Tuesday, October 16, 2012
The X List: 10 ways to improve the Obama-Romney debate
#11: Points will be deducted for any statement that is even remotely factually accurate.
With the second of three presidential debates on tonight, fans of rich guys in suits bickering have it made. But what about the rest of us, who must sit and watch while pretending that this very important event is somehow the least bit interesting? Here are 10 ways to improve the debate.
#1: Before they can take the podium, each candidate will be stripped down to the waist and made to fight a grizzly bear with the word "ECONOMY" subtly shaved into its side.
#2: A network intern will prod Obama awake whenever Romney takes credit for shooting bin Laden and/or claims to be the nation's first black president.
#3: The first candidate to say "716 billion" will have a nipple sliced off.
#4: To test each candidates' gravitas, they will be forced to wear a rainbow fright wig while discussing the recent attacks in Benghazi.
#5: Each candidate will be given a debate "grade," determined by the relative zestiness of their zingers (1%), the factual accuracy of their yo momma jokes (1%), and whoever has the most ca$$h money (98% rounded to 100%).
#6: To ensure a level playing field, both candidates will be forbidden to wear their lucky boxers and/or magic man-panties.
#7: In addition to the Q-and-A portion, the debate will additionally feature a talent show and swimsuit competition.
#8: Candidates must select which celebrity they will impersonate -- either Arnold Schwarzenegger or Jim Carrey -- and stay "in-character" for the entire debate.
#9: Pre-debate refreshment will be limited to Four Loko spiked with enough LSD to kill a horse.
#10: To ensure God does not use His powers to sway the debate to one side or the other, both candidates will publicly refute their faith by urinating on a Bible, then engaging in ritual sexual congress with a wax statue of Voldemort giving the finger to an bald eagle.