Thursday Morning Cupcheck - CBA Round IV: A New Hope

Just try to forget that the light at the end of the tunnel might just be lava.

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we cried into our Near Beers over the highly-symbolic loss of Opening Day. This week, however, everything is coming up Milhouse as the NHL seems to have understood its real position with the fans and put together a not-insane CBA proposal to the players. Stars fans everywhere licked their chops and stroked their wallets as the possibility of seeing Jagr in a Dallas jersey edged that much closer to reality.

"So, Ms. Parise, now you see that the owners will always triumph because the NHLPA is dumb."

Unfortunately, the NHLPA's reaction has been somewhat... icy. While the proposed loss of $1.6 billion in revenue for players is probably the main reason why, our crack team of Pulitzer-hogging journos at Pegasus were able to read the fine print of the NHL's offer to figure out why. Here are ten of the ideas put forth that might torpedo the whole thing.

#1: Ice Girls' clothed percentage to rise from 43% to 57%, with the NHL league office holding 15% of their undergarments in escrow.

#2: Teams that hand out ridiculous, 10+ year contracts to overrated players will be punished by being the front-men in the next lockout.

The last CBA was bound in the skin of a backup goaltender.

#3: Starting goaltenders to be replaced by unpaid interns.

#4: Every player's salary cap hit will be sewn onto the back of their jersey.

#5: NHL teams will lower their demon worship-related expenditures to 42% of HRR, down from 'all of it.'

#6: To ensure the viability of the sport's future, the league will earmark 8% of HRR towards cloning Zach Parise, with special emphasis on finding the DNA sequence responsible for 'grit.'

#7: Players will be paid in company scrip, redeemable exclusively at official team giftshops.

#8: Locker room music selections will be limited to a mixtape Gary Bettman made in 1986.

#9: In a show of utter contempt at the worst CBA of all time, all NHL games and postseason results since 2005 will be 'vacated,' Penn State-style.

#10: Checking line duties will be outsourced to Thailand.