Opinion: “Free” valet parking in Dallas is never really free

People should be able to eat without feeling like a loser.

Forced valet is a form of robbery. Being forced to hand over keys is against some kind of constitutional right as an American. Not only does forced valet cause pain to the brain, it also places a socially sick feeling into the pit of stomachs everywhere.

Do everyone a huge favor and save the sign that says “Complimentary Valet.” There is nothing complimentary about it. Complimentary means free. There is nothing free about this mental anguish-causing experience.

There is only one card in my purse – no cash. Praying that this particular card works should be the only stress present during dining. Some people aren’t responsible enough to carry cash. Cash is necessary to tip during forced valet. Then I have to think extra hard about performing a slow-leg-up-over-exit so the valet guy doesn’t see up my dress. Forget about having time to finish switching stuff from my big purse to the sassy small one. It’s a total rush, filled with scary exit pressure.

Some people live out of their cars and don’t want anyone to know. Maybe they got invited to eat a free meal and arrive to find forced valet. Now everyone will know their secret. What about the humiliation messy people encounter? One time there was so much junk in my car, I had to pull over a block from forced valet and throw it in the trunk. Maybe I didn’t want junk in my trunk.

There was a time my college car window wouldn’t roll up. A piece of wood, stuck in the side panel of the door, held the glass in place. This piece of wood is not something forcing feelings of classy during any restaurant arrival. Another time forced valet meant feeling weak and inadequate happened when the key was stuck in the ignition and the engine was making popcorn sounds. Car sounds of popcorn popping while pulling up to forced valet is quite sad. The last and worst form of forced valet mental anguish was when this same car had some kind of engine problem that sounded like a person was screaming beneath the car. My friends said they kept imagining a woman holding on under the car — screaming.

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Yeah, we see your Lotus or Lambo in Uptown. That's just begging for some Ferris Bueller-type shenanigans.

What about people diagnosed with valet phobia? These people have to eat too. There’s always someone with valet phobia. It happens. Maybe they saw Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and the sadness Cameron felt after the valet guys took his dad’s car on a destructive joy ride. Fact: Movies are powerful enough to cause phobias.

This guy I’m always with has a handicapped placard from a torn Achilles tendon. We went to meet friends on Sunday and the valet guys blocked the handicapped spot on the street. This handicapped forced valet victim quickly growled, “Isn’t this against the law?” The forced valet guy smiled and said — nothing. Really? Really forced valet guy?

Even though I now have a Mercedes, there are still people with gross cars being violated daily. Ponder in thought for a moment, taking into account the pain many commoners continue to feel upon forced valet. Pause. We must all take a stance on forced valet. People should be able to eat without feeling like a loser. This injustice is comparable to the almighty bag licker. The stress of bag lickers and forced valet have reduced my life expectancy by almost 14 minutes. This injustice must end.

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JamesonMike, anonymous:

I'm with you on the "forced Valet" situation, but I was recently even more incensed at the Eisemann Center in Richardson, where we attended the first act (only) of "Deer Camp." Adding insult to the injury represented by that "play," the valet charge was TEN DOLLARS! Plus tip, of course. This is theft, plain and simple.

Along with the booking agent who thought bringing "Dear Camp: The Musical" to the Dallas area was a great idea, the person in charge of the valet service should go to jail.

6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Egorsti, anonymous:

I've been saying for years that the valet-parking situation in Dallas is way out of hand, and a complete racket. Gone are the days when restaurants used valets only when it was inconvenient for customers to self-park. Valet parking around here these days means coning off all the spaces NEAR the restaurant, and taking over what parking lots there are adjacent to restaurants, leaving people who refuse to give up their keys to wander around trying to find a decent spot without a cone.

Years ago I pulled up to a forced-valet stand on Lower Greenville, directly in front of the restaurant, and gave my keys to the stranger at the stand, who proceeded to park my car RIGHT NEXT TO THE STAND. We were seated inside by the front window, a sidewalk's width from my car, and we had to wait ten minutes to get it when we left the restaurant. Absurd.

A few months ago, I pulled into a restaurant parking lot on Henderson, virtually empty, and parked. A panicked valet ran out, and told me it was "valet only." I acted dumb and said, "Oh, that's okay, I don't mind parking." He said, "No, you don't understand, I have to park your car." "Aw," I laughed, "take five and don't worry about it--I got it." He eventually gave up--after asking me to move my car to the farthest possible spot in the lot, so I would be less obvious.

Another time, just down the street, I pulled into a street spot right in front of another restaurant. Same deal: a guy comes running out, telling me it's "valet only." I said "there's no sign, and it's not coned off." He said, "It's painted on the pavement: VALET ONLY." I said, "Okay, I'll back out, but if there's nothing on the pavement, then I'm pulling back in." He said, "No you won't, or I'lll have you towed." I pulled out. Nothing on the pavement. But I kept pulling out and then parked elsewhere, because he probably would have had me towed, even though he was in the wrong, because, by God, he's a valet, and they run this town.

6 months, 3 weeks ago
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damn yankee, anonymous:

> Cash is necessary to tip during forced valet. Then I have to think extra hard about performing a slow-leg-up-over-exit so the valet guy doesn’t see up my dress. Forget about having time to finish switching stuff from my big purse to the sassy small one. It’s a total rush, filled with scary exit pressure.

Switch your purse stuff before you leave the house. Tip the valet when you get the car back. And what scary exit pressure? Are you having dinner with the Pope? Are there paparazzi surrounding your car?

> Some people live out of their cars and don’t want anyone to know. Maybe they got invited to eat a free meal and arrive to find forced valet. Now everyone will know their secret. What about the humiliation messy people encounter?

Everyone? You mean, the one person parking your car and the one bringing it back?

I mean, I guess this is an opinion piece, but it reads like someone complaining about their car more than they're complaining about valet parking.

6 months, 3 weeks ago
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ashli michelle, anonymous:

Yikes. Relax? Live a little? Smile much? Growl less?

6 months, 3 weeks ago
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damn yankee, anonymous:

Oh, Pegasus News. I remember when you guys had interesting authors who contributed more than kvetching about their personal lives, and who would review restaurants and actually mention the food, and whether they liked it or not.

I'm tempted to blame DMN for this, but I'd wager that the actual cause is that journalism is hard, and expensive.

This place needs more T-Gub.

6 months, 3 weeks ago
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ashli michelle, anonymous:

You are aware of your troll status? Laughable.

6 months, 3 weeks ago
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Jason Rice, verified:

Did I hear some whiney prig shout "troll"?

Even though I now have a Mercedes

First world horrors

I feel a "Relocate Ashli To 90210 Telethon" coming on.

6 months, 3 weeks ago
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