Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The X List: 8 creepiest Dallas Cowboys urban legends
Someone should tell Jerry that the suckage is coming from inside the house!
Halloween, a.k.a. Satanic Easter, is the time of year when all Americans can enjoy the proud tradition of forcing their children to beg in the streets. While the disguises may hide the family shame, there's no costume elaborate enough to mask the self-hatred every Cowboys fan feels around this time of year. Here are the eight creepiest Dallas Cowboy urban legends.
#1: If you stare into your bathroom mirror and say Jerry Jones' name three times, a dark spirit will appear behind you and charge you 75 bucks for parking.
#2: Opposing teams' defensive backs are too scared to intercept Tony Romo because he fills the footballs with razorblades.
#4: Jason Garrett once fell asleep with his head in a Cowboys Stadium urinal. When he woke up the next day in a tub of ice, there was a note on his chest telling him to "go to the hospital asap." Garret rose from the tub, only to discover that his whole butt was gone!!
#5: Legend has it that the new Cowboys Stadium is built on a desecrated Apache burial ground, which itself was built on a neolithic wooly mammoth molestation camp, which itself was built on the part of Hell where they store all the spider-egg-related nightmares.
#6: The rumor that Jerry Jones sacrifices dozens of black cats around Halloween is not true: In reality, they're not cats but kittens, and secondly, they're not necessarily black, they only belong to blacks.
#7: A penny thrown from the top of Ed "Too Tall" Jones can kill a human being.
#8: Jimmy Johnson? Hermaphrodite.