Tuesday, September 4, 2012
The X List: 10 stunning revelations of the new Navy SEAL Osama bin Laden book
#11: Paul Ryan shot Osama through the heart with a silver arrow, causing the terrorist to burst into black flames.
The literary world was rocked today with the recent publication of yet-another tell-all non-fiction book about the Osama bin Laden killing. In No Easy Day, author Matt Bissonnette reveals some of the previously-unknown details of the raid, of which he was a prominent participant. Here are 10 bombshells from the no-holds-barred expose.
Reveal #1: Bin Laden had an Obama "Hope" poster covered in little drawings of hearts labeled "O+O 4VR" and what appeared to be lipstick smears.
Reveal #2: Following the shots, 72 virgins materialized from thin air and carried Osama's body up to Heaven while singing joyous praise.
Reveal #3: In bin Laden's desk were plans detailing the bombing of the Janesville GM plant, with a large red X and the words "BLAST! FOILED BY DUBYA AGAIN!!" scrawled over it.
Reveal #4: Author Bissonnette reluctantly admits that it was he himself who single-handedly killed Osama, by employing the deadly "Toby Keith" attack -- a devastating roundhouse kick to the terrorist's nuts, causing bin Laden's internal organs to implode on impact and his brains to shoot out of his earholes.
Reveal #5: Osama actually escaped out the back door during the raid, resulting in an action-packed chase scene through the crowded streets of Abbottabad in which no animals were harmed.
Reveal #6: Over half of Osama's DVD collection were illegal bootlegs of One Direction concerts.
Reveal #7: Bissonnette did 976 pushups a half-hour before the raid and wasn't even all that tired.
Reveal #8: Bin Laden had an entire USB drive filled with nothing but uncomfortably erotic Photoshops of him and the Hamburglar.
Reveal #9: Osama's workdesk was covered in jumbled piles of handwritten documents attempting to prove that Brainy Smurf was the most underrated of all the smurfs.
Reveals #10: As he lay dying in a pool of his own blood, Osama bin Laden's stunning final words were "I go poopy... in the... potty... like a... big boy."