Thursday, September 6, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - 10 Reasons to Love the Lockout
Like you even need a reason, right?
Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we rocked the literary world with our CBA fan fiction; this week, it's time to realize the true extent of power and influence we have as fans ... and grab our ankles and start praying. Despite it being of no advantage to anyone, a lockout is happening.
So why not, you know, enjoy it?
Here are 10 reasons why the impending NHL lockout is the absolute tops!
#1: It's cheaper for fans - The fewer games this next season, the fewer tickets, parking, jerseys, concessions, beer cozies and truck floor mats we'll have to buy this fall. Don't worry about the owners, though: that $200 million contract with NBC should more than make up for the loss of $3.3 billion in annual revenue.
#2: It's a great preview for the day when fighting is finally outlawed in hockey - Taking marketing advice from doughy old sportswriters is normally a sound business plan, no?
#3: Players will be more well-rested - With all that extra time to practice, we should expect nothing less than 50% powerplay conversion rates across the league when hockey returns.
#4: A shorter season leads to more random results - Technically your favorite team has a 1 in 30 chance of winning the Cup (unless you're an Isles or Blue Jackets fan, in which case... I'm so sorry). The shorter the season, the more fluky the postseason entrants will be. Maybe even some non-Vancouver Canadian teams will make it in this time around.
#5: A lockout levels the playing field - The teams that will hurt the most from a year-long lockout are the dynasties entering their prime like Pittsburgh, Vancouver, Chicago, and Boston. Royally pissing off those fanbases is a very good thing for the rest of the league.
#6: It will cheapen the most recent Stanley Cup - 99% of the fans of Western Conference teams would rather have ten lockouts than live in a world where Dustin Brown captained a 40-42 team to the Stanley Cup. Thanks to the lockout, it's far, far easier to pretend that last spring never happened. Nope. Never happened at all.
#7: Fewer games against the Coyotes - There are unwatchable games, and then there are Coyotes games. Getting those three-hours-that-felt-like-three-days back should add years to Stars fans' lifespans. And now that we mention it...
#8: No more Phoenix Coyotes - For a business struggling to make one single dollar, it's a sound financial strategy to close up shop and board the windows for a year. At long last, the 90% of fans clamoring for contraction will have the league's ear. I mean, they won't, at all, ever, but it will momentarily seem like they do.
#9: It will separate the True Fans from the poseurs - Tired of how popular hockey's gotten in the last few years? A lockout solves that problem pretty quickly: while hardcore hockey fans will celebrate the signing of the new CBA with the saddest orgies ever imagined, casual fans will likely still think there's a lockout years into the future. That should free up plenty of lower-bowl seats to head down to after the first intermission.
#10: Catching up on life - No hockey means three hours a night to finally get around to doing those things you've always meant to get around to, like throwing away that pile of termite-eaten lumber in the backyard, learning conversational Mandarin or writing that Great American Novel.
That's it for this week's Cupcheck. Tune in next week when we show the shocking photos of the big market/small market owner barn fight, and what the sight of a naked and bleeding Brian Burke huddled in the fetal position means for the NHLPA.