Tuesday, September 18, 2012
The X List: 10 new features of the iPhone 5
#11: Revolutionary new iFluff software tells you what an amazingly creative person you are.
Apple's newest technological toy, the iPhone 5, has set the internet's iPanties on fire. The device promises to be faster, sleeker, lighter and larger than its predecessors. Fortunately, we at Pegasus know a few underage Cambodians who Biblically know some people, and were able to get our hands on the iPhone before any other major media outlet. Here are 10 new features of the revolutionary device.
Feature #1: Automatically organizes your collection of indie college rock by level of suckage.
Feature #2: It is the only smartphone to come with a quirky $69 case-warming scarf, lovingly hand-knitted by the nine year old crippled Malaysian girl of your choice.
Feature #3: Special "Cred" feature instantly renames all your Night Ranger albums as Shins singles.
Feature #4: Replaced touchscreen with anti-Android SneerScreen technology.
Feature #5: Powerful new iOS 6 puts Microsoft Bob to shame.
Feature #6: New iSummon feature allows you to unleash any one of over 2,000 cacodemons using up to 43% less iBlood, while the 666G LTE network assures that you will never be more than the press of a button away from the comforting aroma of Lucifer's iTaint.
Feature #7: Siri's voice interface now comes in two popular choices: Wasted Frat Bro and Jar Jar Winning the Lottery.
Feature #8: New built-in accounting software allows you to manage your trust fund quickly and efficiently.
Feature #9: Battery life is extended 16% when iPhone is immersed in Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Feature #10: Self-destructs when within five feet of a landline phone.