Thursday, September 27, 2012
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - The NHL/NHLPA’s Non-Core Economic Agenda
Watch and learn as the NHL and NHLPA roll up their sleeves and get poop done.
Good morning, hockey fans! Here's hoping your short-lived career as an NFL replacement ref won't distract you from your real passion of screwing over people who give you their money. Last week, we traveled to the distant future and found that Gary Bettman's hardline stance was 100% justified. This week, the NHL and NHLPA are meeting Friday to hammer out the lesser evils of the CBA: what they refer to as "non-core economic issues." What are these allegedly pissant issues? We at Pegasus were able to use our male model looks to obtain an advance copy of tomorrow's meeting agenda. No need to thank us: a blank check will do just fine.
NHL AND NHLPA SPECIAL MEETING. SEPTEMBER 28, 2012. THE GIRAFFE ROOM AT THE KENOSHA CHUCK E. CHEESE. MEETING AGENDA.
7:00-9:45am: Call to Order.
9:46-10:00am: Formal introductions.
10:01-10:05am: Dong comparisons.
10:06-10:35am: General recess while Brian Burke consoles a sobbing Gary Bettman in the janitor's closet down the hall.
10:36-11:15am: Discussion and action regarding relative rockage of Led Zeppelin II vs. Led Zeppelin IV. Vote to follow.
11:16-12:00pm: Yelling, Fist-Pounding and Chest-Shoving.
12:01-12:05pm: Menacing Staring.
12:06-2:00pm: Five-Labatt's lunch break.
2:01-2:45pm: Discussion and action on why Evgeni Malkin's bobblehead looks like a black guy.
2:46-2:48pm: Roundtable discussion on favorite 19th century Russian literature.
2:49-2:50pm: Awkward Silence.
2:51-3:35pm: Roundtable discussion on favorite 19 year-old Russian female tennis player.
3:36-4:00pm: General Recess to accommodate simultaneous bathroom break.
4:01-4:15pm: Discussion and action regarding who was a better basketball player, Michael Jordan in his prime or Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. Vote to follow.
4:16-4:30pm: Traditional Brandishing of the Fists and Threatening of the Faces.
4:31-6:35pm: Five-Molson's dinner break.
6:36-6:45pm: Discussion and action regarding who was the hotter 21 Jump Street star, Johnny Depp or Richard Greco.
6:46-6:50pm: Silence, Throat-Clearing and Awkward Tie-Straightening.
6:51-7:05pm: Roundtable discussion on the Big Game Last Night.
7:06-7:20pm: General recess while both sides enjoy a field trip in the woods.
7:21-7:35pm: Discussion and action regarding owners' motion on formation of Extreme Barnfighting League, contract limits.
7:36-7:45pm: General commentary on Ed Snider's mother and the proposed deployment of NHLPA genitalia into her bodily orifices.
7:46-8:00pm: Pointing and Threatening.
8:01-8:20pm: General recess while both parties change into their jammies.
8:21-8:45pm: Discussion and action regarding whether ghosts are real and the possibility of said spirits currently haunting the Kenosha Chuck E. Cheese. Vote to follow.
8:46-8:55pm: Girlish Squealing and Hugging.
8:56-9:15pm: Discussion and action regarding exact definition of the term 'lockout' vs. the exact definition of the term 'work stoppage.'
9:16-9:20pm: Discussion and action regarding the exact definition of 'rough sexual congress' in relation to Daryl Katz's wife and children.
9:21-9:45pm: Hilarious Scuffling, Chair-Tossing.
9:46-10:05pm: Awkward conversation with Chuck E. Cheese night manager. Unanimous agreement to 'tone it down.'
10:06pm-10-15pm: Discussion and action regarding RFA age and realignment.
10:16pm: Casual reference to Hockey-Related Revenue.
10:24pm: Arrival of Kenosha P.D.
10:25pm: Meeting adjourned.