Tuesday, April 16, 2013
The X List: Top 9 Appropriate Responses to the Boston Marathon Explosions
Looks like Sunshine-Pumpin' Tuesday has been temporarily put on hold.
When man-made tragedy hits, it's only natural to react in the most abysmally awful way possible. However, unless you want the terrorists to "win" --and you don't, right?-- you should follow these nine steps in appropriately responding to the Boston Marathon explosions.
#1: Walk up to anyone you know who's planning some terrorist activity and punch 'em in the neck. Just haul off and let 'em have it.
#2: Write an ill-timed post on your truther blog about how the attacks were all orchestrated by the U.S. government, then go and try to look at yourself in a mirror without throwing up.
#3: Take up running so that in a few years from now you can run in the Boston Marathon. If you're reading an online-only article about it, you could probably do with the exercise anyway.
#4: Avoid the comments section of all news articles for the next six weeks at all costs. Actually, just go ahead and do that for the remainder of your adult life. Your IQ will thank you for it later.
#5: Ignore absolutely everything said about this by vapid and useless celebrities such as Snooki and Justin Bieber. Oh, except for Patton Oswalt. And Mr. Rogers. So, ignore any celebrity who you would expect to see on a magazine while in the express line at Kroger, then.
#6: Studiously ignore any and all Facebook/Twitter memes featuring devils or angels photoshopped into the explosions, mysterious guys on rooftops, stock photo images of little kids who allegedly were killed, and Facebook screen captures showing Muslims cheering on the explosions. Every time you re-post one of these, God squashes a baby puppy angel made of rainbows.
#7: Show solidarity with your buddies from Boston by saying that while you would never, ever in a million years root for the Pats, Celtics or, God Forbid, the Red Sox, you will make an exception for the Bruins at least as far as this year's Conference Finals.
#8: Vote against any politician who uses the tragedy to make themselves richer and/or further their own completely-unrelated agenda.
#9: Help organize more open air, inclusive family-friendly sporting events because eff the terrorists.