Tuesday, April 23, 2013
The X List: 9 items on the five presidents’ itinerary at the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library
Don't get any smart ideas, terrorist scum.
On April 25, the campus of SMU will become momentarily relevant for something other than the college football death penalty when it hosts the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. The event will feature all five living presidents, even Carter. Here are the nine items on the most exalted itinerary in U.S. history.
#1: Former presidents Carter, Clinton, and the Bushes will open the festivities by performing the ceremonial Blaming of the Obama to excuse their own failures as well as those of white people everywhere.
#2: The five will run up a criminally-high lunch tab at Prothro Hall, before pulling the old "dine n' dash" and stiffing a middle-aged Mexican cafeteria lady with the bill.
#3: They'll lead a rabid campus demonstration where they will burn a naked effigy of Ronald Reagan while chanting "Death to 'Merica!!" on a bullhorn Carter stole from the cops.
#4: The other four will patiently stop all of the proceedings whenever there's a big word like "debacle" or "catastrophic" so that Bush 2 can look it up on his smartphone.
#5: They will all exclaim "Huzzah!" as they dramatically unveil a huge pile of weapons of mass destruction that were sitting in Iraq this whole time.
#6: Will chug a Shiner every time SMU president R. Gerald Turner uses the words "freedom-loving," "patriotic duty," or "actually born and raised in Connecticut."
#7: Carter and the elder Bush will pants Laura, leading to the single biggest surprise of W's life.
#8: Comparing nuclear launch codes to see who has the longest.
#9: In a spirit of respect and admiration for the students and faculty of SMU, Obama will personally order a drone strike against anyone who even hints that SMU is a third-rate, $58,000-a-year daycare for Dallas' least gifted trust fund scions.