Tuesday, August 6, 2013
The X List: 11 ways Texas can solve its execution problem
#12: Inmates will be allowed to earn their freedom by surviving one day in the nightmarish dystopian hellscape known as Houston, Texas.
With the recent news that Texas may be running out of the pentobarbital drug used for executions, our proud state's many pro-death drugusers have been scrambling to find alternate means of getting their dead guy fix. Here are 11 options that Texas is currently exploring.
Option #1: Replace all last meals with Pecos Bill's Texas-Style Rectum-Scorching Plutonium-Grade Death Chamber Chili.
Option #2: Consult with Rick Perry's personal team of necromancers on finding a spell that not only kills the inmate's body, but his soul as well.
Option #3: Pump all cells on Death Row full of 24-hour Li'l Wayne and Ke$ha programming, then leave lots of sharp objects lying around.
Option #4: Increase the deductible on inmate health insurance plans to $80,000.
Option #5: Dump the drugs and start investing in Sarlaac technology.
Option #6: Replace prisons with Job Creation Camps, in which certain select inmates will be sent to Freedom Showers and Petroleum Chambers.
Option #7: Put a temporary moritorium on all executions until enough bullets can be found within the state of Texas to carry out each death sentence.
Option #8: Introduce gladatorial-style execution combat, where death row inmates will be thrown in a pit and forced into a pitched battle to the death against a swarm of roided-up chupacabras.
Option #9: Invent a time machine which will allow state officials to go back to each inmate's exact moment of conception, and hand his parents a voucher for one free abortion.
Option #10: Do nothing; plate techtonics will find a way.
Option #11: Just toss 'em all into a big pile and set 'em on fire, Torquemada-style.