Tuesday, August 27, 2013
The X List: 10 reasons why Miley Cyrus twerked so poorly on the VMAs
Shock! Awe! Crushing boredom!
Although no self-respecting human being would admit to ever watching the VMAs, apparently this happened. After feigning the proper amount of shock and outrage, it's time to ask the real question on everyone's mind: What was the provocative pop pablum princess' purpose? Here are 10 reasons why Miley attempted to make her career seem somewhat relevant for a few days.
#1: Crystal meth is a hell of a drug.
#2: Originally she was supposed to re-create her award-winning choreography from the epic finale of Hannah Montana: Twerkin' Hard or Hardly Twerkin?, but she lost a bet to Ke$ha 20 seconds before showtime.
#3: Thinks Robin Thicke is kinda cute; was hoping to catch his attention somehow, so that maybe afterwards they could hold hands and eat ice cream or something.
#4: Mistook the VMAs for a typical Disney Channel casting couch.
#5: Decided to use the timeless art of dance to express her rage and indignation at the unchecked slaughter of innocent women and children in Syria.
#6: As a girl of proper Christian upbringing, decided to warn the American public of the growing danger of twerking by flopping around the stage like a newborn calf on PCP.
#7: Heard 'N Sync were going to sacrifice a live puppy on stage to their dark god Moloch; decided to pre-emptively strike before anyone forgot she ever existed.
#8: Was once called an "ugly buck-toothed big-nosed ignoramus" in third grade by Betsy Flannigan: finally got her sweet, sweet revenge.
#9: Acute schizophrenia suffered from years of switching between her Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana personas resulted in a violent psychotic reaction that caused her to try and elbow swarms of invisible bats.
#10: Nothing special; she was merely full of female jelly and decided to perform the mating call of her people.