Thursday, December 26, 2013
Thursday Morning Cupcheck - A Hater’s Guide to the World Junior Championships
Impress your friends and strangers at the bar with this handy guide to various exploitable cultural deficiencies!
Good morning, hockey amigos! Last week we helped the Prince of Darkness field a few Stars-related questions. This week, rather than waste our time re-gifting Ray Whitney, we're going to explore the wild and wonderful melting-pot of the World Junior Championships, and learn how to focus our hatred on these talented young stars who have everything while we have so, so little.
Just remember: those are kids out there working hard on the ice. So make sure to really let 'em have it.
Fun Facts: Utterly dominated last year's WJCs, despite an alleged lack of talent; could invade Sweden anytime it wanted to if it really felt like it; birthplace of TV's Frank
Acceptable Nicknames: The Pluckies, The Big Strappers, Eaglefist McTruckxecution
Fair Game: Morbid obesity; The Raven; thanking Obama after every lost faceoff
Strictly Off-Limits/Too Soon: The massacre of hundreds of women and children at Wounded Knee
Predicted Finish: 1st
Fun Facts: Not a real country; home of the Blackberry; inspiration for Olivia Newton-John's Xanadu
Acceptable Nicknames: The Flirtin' Albertans, The Moose Molestin' Mounties, Alaska's B**ch
Fair Game: Post-game riots; Nickelback; taking consolation that even though they won't medal at least they invented basketball
Strictly Off-Limits/Too Soon: Scott. That guy's a dick.
Predicted Finish: 4th
Fun Facts: Was bad-a** as recently as the 10th century; invented Stockholm Syndrome; erected a pyramid of chickens in 1997 to honor the passing of their nation's greatest hero, the Swedish Chef
Acceptable Nicknames: The Møøsebitten, The Abbas, Twinkies
Fair Game: IKEA; Ace of Base; massages with no happy endings
Strictly Off-Limits/Too Soon: The Swedish Bikini Team. Don't hate —fornicate!
Predicted Finish: 2nd
Fun Facts: Can't even beat Chechnya; birthplace of alcohol poisoning; will gladly sell you their kidneys, no questions asked
Acceptable Nicknames: The Flying Karamazov Brothers, The Gorbies, The Borscht-Swilling Borises
Fair Game: Two minutes in the Gulag; Mail-order goalies; Ivan Drago's 'Breakin You Electric Boogaloo'
Strictly Off-Limits/Too Soon: Anything that begins with the words, "In Soviet Russia..."
Predicted Finish: 3rd
Fun Facts: Home to over 40% of the world's Baltic hookers; sexually aroused by vowels; colder than f**k
Acceptable Nicknames: The Viking Flayers, The Saunese, Murmansk Envy
Fair Game: Their inability to win any World Wars; your cellphone bill; HIM
Strictly Off-Limits/Too Soon: Teemu Selanne
Predicted Finish: 5th
Fun Facts: Actually two entirely separate countries now but c'mon; created Zdeno Chara in 1977 using the reanimated corpse of a frost giant; birthplace of romantic whimsy
Acceptable Nicknames: The Defenestrators, The Golems of Prague, Czechmates
Fair Game: Ivana Trump; Hapsburg inbreeding; kolaches
Strictly Off-Limits/Too Soon: Annexing the Sudetenland
Predicted Finish: 6th
Fun Facts: Produce the world's highest volume of highlight-reel goals against; shooting percentage higher than Imperial Stormtroopers but lower than Bond henchmen; goaltender just the fattest godd**ned kid they could find
Acceptable Nicknames: The Stat-Padders, The Overwhelmed Ones, The Doormats
Fair Game: Fjords; scheisse videos; Hitler Peeps
Strictly Off-Limits/Too Soon: Dirk Nowitzki
Predicted Finish: Not to be discussed in polite company