Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The X List: Ray Lewis’ next 9 career paths
What could be next in store for this camera-shy wallflower?
Now that the latest Superb Owl is out of the way, it's time to get down to what's really important: Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis. As "God's Linebacker," Lewis may be incredibly old and brittle and ineffective by football's standards, but at the spry young age of 37, Ray-Ray's got his whole life ahead of him. Here are Ray Lewis' top nine upcoming career moves.
#1: Signs 7-year, $100 million contract with the Dallas Cowboys.
#2: Writes his own version of the Bible in which the Israelites do battle with the 49ers instead of the Philistines, David is a 260-pound wall of trained muscle instead of a shepherd boy, and he uses two large knives instead of a slingshot.
#3: Will claim that he was never blocked in his life: that anytime you saw a tight end push him 15 yards downfield it was a trick of the devil.
#4: Will write tell-all book explaining exactly why God focuses on influencing the outcomes of regular season football games while allowing a quarter-million poor children to die in a tsunami.
#5: Will be indicted for 14 counts of voluntary manslaughter after a tour bus full of orphans accidentally comes between him and a working camera.
#6: Will start his own cable show called Big Buck Huntin' With the O where he and Oprah will indiscriminately slaughter every deer or deer-shaped object they can find. Afterwards, they will weep in each other's arms while drowning their sorrows in deer antler mojitos.
#7: Will peel off his face at his Hall of Fame induction ceremony, revealing that he is none other than Zolgar, Lord of Atheism.
#8: Will hold a massive press conference to announce that he will be donating 10 solid-gold rat's asses to a charity of his own choice.
#9: Will ascend to Heaven to take his place at the Right Hand of God.